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The Man with the Golden Gun

1974 James Bond movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: 007 finds out that the titular man wants to kill him with the titular gun and globetrots to find the assassin before the assassin finds him so that he can go back to saving the world or whatever it is he does.

Bitchin' 70s funk here! Within minutes, you've got Herve Villechaize, the appearance of a third nipple, fake skeletons, an old-timey shooting range, chaos in a house of mirrors, and wax figure finger target practice. Then, the theme song to end all theme songs! "One golden shot means another poor victim has come to a glittering end. For a price, he'll erase anyone. The man with the golden gun!" All behind the visual of women's dancing silhouettes against a background of fireworks! Shipoopi! Just when you think the movie has to slow down and take a breath, you're treated to details of a circus-born assassin, bellydancing, swallowed bullets, gun fondling, kung-fu hijinks, an attack with a watermelon, faux nipples, sumo wedgies, threats with a trident, something called a Solex Agitator or something, a car chase, a boat chase, another car chase, a racist Cajun, elephant molestation, a car-plane, a sun gun, a stunt that out-Dukes the Duke Boys with slide whistle accompaniment, a conceited Christopher Lee, explosions, more than a few bad puns, and a lot more Herve Villechaize. This is nutty stuff, but you've got a great bad guy doing his damage with a cigarette case, a lighter, and a fountain pen, and an intriguing plot stuffed with too many twists and turns for the average slide whistler to be able to keep up with. I'm far from a James Bond aficionado, but I really like the tongue-in-cheek approach this one has. It's nutty but not afraid to be nutty. It leaps on a kung-fu bandwagon unapologetically. It's got lines like Christopher Lee's "Look behind you. . .lower" which, in context, is as funny as anything I've heard in any comedies I've recently seen. It's got exotic locales, improbable action sequences galore, and beautiful women. And Herve Villechaize, sometimes shirtless! What more could a warm-blooded man want?

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Writing Without Stability

As this scantily upkept blog no doubt shows, there has been little to no stability in my life for the past while. By that I mean I have been involved in a large number of things like school and shows, family reunions and summer vacations, things like that. I've barely had any time at home, let alone time to write. I'm sure you have all experienced times in your life such as this, where you are struggling just to make it through the day without dropping too many of the balls you have in the air, and for a while time for writing just kind of doesn't exist. Here are some ideas I've thought of for how you can still be writingly productive during the insane times.

Write on the run. I've found that for me its hard to do actual writing of a piece while I'm on the run. But something that does work for me is bringing around a bigger notebook and using it for outlining and planning. I'm in the process of starting a novel, a screenplay and a short story, so for the past while I've just brought around that notebook with me in the car, to rehearsals, etc, and jotted down scene ideas and stuff. Now I've almost got outlines enough for me to get started on the actual writing.

Read. While waiting in line, in the car, for a meeting, any time, have a book with you and pull it out and read. I didn't think it was possible, but in the past week or so I read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, mostly at rehearsals and waiting in the car. You can't be a good writer without being a good reader, so use your waiting time to your advantage.

Marketing. Crazy busy times often include meeting a bunch of new people, and these new people are all potential help for spreading the word about your next book. Make friends, make connections, add people on facebook and twitter, talk about your writing. You never know what these people can do for your writing career. Plus making new friends is always awesome.

It seems that my life is stabilizing itself a little bit, so hopefully I can get this blog back up and running at its best. I hope this helps. We all have busy times, but if you are serious about being a writer, you need to always be working at it, no matter what else is going on in your life. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

Sarah Allen

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The Man from Laramie

1955 Western

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A guy who rolls up the cuffs of his jeans brings a load of supplies from Laramie to Coronado, a dinky town controlled by a rancher named Waggoner. Secretly, he wants to get to the bottom of who's selling rifles to the Apaches. He has a run-in with the mischievous Waggoner son, resulting in his wagons being burned and his mules being shot. He decides to stick around anyway and gets on everybody's nerves.

It's still hard for me to see Jimmy Stewart as a tough guy, but there's a terrific long shot of a very pissed-off Jimmy walking toward a guy who wronged him who apparently is also the cameraman. It made a believer out of me. The fisticuffs that follow, wrastlin' amidst a herd of cattle on the dusty streets, have a grit that lends a realism to the proceedings, as do a few gun fights that come later. We catch the stock characters in medias res, but as the story unfolds, there's a depth to them that I really like. That story's a little uneven at times, and there's a ludicrous explosion along the way. Parts of certain conflicts seemed unresolved or, when I did squeeze pieces together, didn't really fit right. Sort of like Jimmy Stewart's pants. There had to be easier ways for some of these characters to get what they wanted in the movie. Regardless, this is beautifully shot and well-acted Western that shows off the great American West in a story that, although it wasn't, seems like it was pinched from the samurai.

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A Man Called Horse

1970 movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: King Arthur, taking a break from shooting birds to bathe in a stream, is attacked and captured by Sioux Indians. At the Sioux village, he's forced to work for Buffalo Cow Head. To make matters even worse, someone left his cake out in the rain. Green icing's melting all around, and he doesn't think he can take it. It took so long to make it, and King Arthur will never have that recipe again. Oh, no! The Sioux make fun of him for obsessing over a cake. They dance around him, point at him with spears, and scream "Gay baker!" in a Sioux ritual called Hazing of the Homosexual White Man under the Fall Moon Dance. Eventually, King Arthur learns to appreciate Sioux culture and is suspended by his nipples to prove that he's actually a tough guy.

This is really just a metaphor about how far the typical man would go to get a woman to come into his teepee. But what a woman! Wankatanka! This is a pretty good film, a sort of cowboys and Indians thing but without any cowboys. It does have a more shots of Richard Harris's ass than you're likely to see in any other film, the possible exception being that second Harry Potter movie. Wankatanka! Harris's performance is a solid, physical one. Dame Judith Anderson gave what was likely the performance she was most proud of as Buffalo Cow Head. Nope, that's not a name I made up. This is a fascinating look at Native American culture although I wonder if it was all historically accurate. Highlights (other than Dumbledore's naked bum, of course) include the Sun Dance Ceremony in which Harris's character is suspended by two chest piercings and a dizzying battle near the end. The former looks completely real and completely painful, and the lighting and music contribute to make that a really powerful, if sort of unpleasant, scene. The latter's got some editing that could induce a seizure and is stuffed with scalping, pouncing, clubbing, and jousting, more action than you can shake a tomahawk at. A large percentage of the movie isn't in English (I doubt a lot of it, especially when Judith Anderson is involved, is spoken in Sioux either) and the other "language" isn't translated, but the story moves along just fine without words. I also liked a weird almost psychedelic sequence even though it dates the movie somewhat. It's groovy stuff!

Man of the Year

2006 dramedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Comedic talk show host Tom Dobbs (side note: Isn't there a real talk show host named Tom Dobbs?) decides to run for president. He's got no chance although with his hilarious speeches and shooting-from-the-hip approach, his popularity grows and he even gets an invite to a presidential candidate debate. Election day arrives, and to the surprise of everybody, Dobbs wins. However, the computer people running the vote just might be hiding details of a malfunction that gave Dobbs the victory.

Ah, Barry Levinson's movie almost tricked me. I anticipated more of a dumb comedy, but more than half of Man of the Year has more elements of a political thriller or drama than your typical comedy. So I was almost tricked into liking this thing, but the longer it went on and the more I thought about things, the more I realized how empty it was. As satire, it's incomplete. As a drama, it's color-by-numbers. And as I expected before popping it in, the comedy doesn't work either. The comedy comes mostly from conversations with Dobbs and his cohorts or from Dobbs speeches, sound bite after sound bite that I think are supposed to sound politically profound but mostly sound like stuff I've already heard before. There's dialogue where it seems like Robin Williams was given room to improvise, and those are the moments that failed most obviously. I will give credit to Man of the Year for using three of the most distracting actors working today (Robin Williams, Jeff Goldblum, and Christopher Walken) and somehow keeping the whole thing coherent and tolerable. Watching scene after scene with Robin Williams giving speeches or debating with quick flashes to Walken saying, "Yes!" or "Bring it home!" got pretty old though. The most irritating character is actually played by Laura Linney. Her performance is also irritating, but the biggest problem is that almost everything that happens to her character Eleanor Green is something that could only happen in movies. Even her name is a movie name. I just didn't believe in any of these characters, so I couldn't believe in their stories. This is a film that probably could have said something. But it doesn't and ends up incomplete and unsatisfying.

Superman Returns

2006 sequel

Rating: 10/20 (Dylan: 2/20; Emma: 12/20; Caden: 20/20)

Plot: Superman's been away a while, five years specifically. So has Clark Kent actually, but nobody's able to make that connection. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor somehow wins he appeal, is released from prison, and concocts a complicated plot to use crystals to make a big island because, just like in the first movie, he's obsessed with the idea of beach front property. Superman takes care of bad guys while dealing with the fact that Lois Lane has moved on.

I don't like this Superman. There's nothing wrong with this Brandon Routh kid, the guy who plays the Man of Steel, but just like the above poster presents him, he at times seems more like a magician in this movie than he does a superhero. Plus, this version of Superman is both a Peeping Tom and a wife stealer, and I felt bad for Lois Lane's new guy (Richard) who really did nothing to deserve having a guy in tights trying to move in on his girl. I didn't realize that this movie was a sequel. I thought "reboot" had more to do with starting from scratch, so I was surprised to see Marlon Brando and hear the recognizable music. Unfortunately, a lot of ideas are recycled, too, if not from previous Superman movies than from other contemporary comic book superhero flicks. This movie is uglier and darker though and the fun from those first two Superman movies (probably the other two, too) is replaced with a sinister seriousness, mostly because of a different Lex Luthor character. Kevin Spacey is awful here in what would have been called an attempt to Heath-Ledgerize his bad guy if The Dark Knight had come out a couple years before Superman Returns. Spacey looks more like Graf Orlok than a criminal mastermind, and I actually thought he was going to try to bite Superman at one point. At least he's about the right age, unlike Superman and Lois Lane who, despite being in a movie that takes place five years after the others, looks a lot younger than Chris and Margot. This movie's got some clean, crisp visuals, but the special effects aren't consistent, sometimes even within the same scenes. There's an early scene with involving a plane, easily more exciting than anything that happens later in the movie, that looks pretty cool, completely ridiculous, and all the adjectives in between. And don't get me started on how Lois Lane survives without a scratch despite being bounced around that plane like she is. There's also a scene with a young Clark Kent running through a cornfield that reminded me of the rubber-legged Clark Kent in the first Superman movie. Perhaps it's an homage to that scene? Ironically, my favorite effects were when Lex Luthor destroys a model train set. I liked that scene, and I also liked a completely unnecessary shot of Jimmy awkwardly eating a sandwich and a scene with a poorly-tattooed henchman and Lois Lane's son playing a piano duet. But when the best scene in an action movie is less than two seconds of a guy eating a sandwich, you've got a problem.

Note: I only saw the first fourth of this movie with Dylan, Emma, and Caden. They finished without me, and I had to finish watching later.

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Indestructible Man

1956 science fiction B-junk

Rating: 7/20

Plot: A murderer known as The Butcher is executed for his crimes but soon after revived by a scientist and his assistant who start dicking around with his body. Not only is he brought back to life--he's also indestructible! He's ticked and wants revenge on his "friends" who double-crossed him.

This wasn't very good. Lon Chaney Jr., who I have nicknamed "The Man of One-and-a-Half Faces," competently plays a big, mute goon. There are a lot of unnecessary close-ups of his face, including one where he is supposedly dead but has wildly-flickering eyelids. He kind of looks like a Native American Andy Griffith at times. Hokey voice-over narration and almost constant music don't help this one, but it's got some moments--a surprise theramin, a scientist who can't pronounce the word syringe correctly, a gangster's womanly scream before a dummy version of himself is tossed off a roof, another obvious dummy thrown in an alley, attacks with a flame thrower and bazooka that prove the indestructible man's clothing is also somehow indestructible, and an improbably silly ending. This is cheap and choppy, seemingly shot in a fortnight, and beefed up with a ill-fitting and half-assed love story between the police detective and The Butcher's love interest. This story could have easily been told in under thirty minutes, so a lot of the seventy minutes drag. This is campy, but it's not really campy enough to make it worthwhile.

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Inspiration, Advances and How to Write the Breakout Novel

Happy Saturday!  This is going to be a sort of a rambling post about a variety of topics but since it's the weekend I didn't think anyone would mind. 

First off - people always want to know - where do you find your inspiration for your stories? That, of course, is an almost impossible question to answer because who the heck knows where some of this stuff comes from?  What if's and why not's and chocolate-induced daydreams can produce all sorts of wild ideas.

However, I do love the notion of the fantastical being tied to what we know as the real world.  Myths and stories that have a finger in our reality.  An example that comes to mind is a holey stone.  For those of you not up on your faerie lore, a holey stone is a stone that has had a hole carved through the rock by water or the power of nature. You can see my niece, Emily, holding a holey stone above.

It is said that if you peer through a holey stone you can see into the realm of Faerie.  Many cultures believe holey stones have healing and magical properties. They are also said to carry the wisdom of the ages and offer protection if worn or carried.  Below is a picture of my daughter, Carly, holding a rare white holey stone.

Whenever we go to the beach we look for holey stones.  I have quite a collection of them in my office, some with two and three perfect holes carved in them.  I'm not going to tell you what I see when I look through them.  You'll have to find one and discover their magic yourself!

Other means of inspiration, when all else fails - the Candy Drawer!

(Yes, this is an actual drawer in my house. It's enough to give you googly-eyes, isn't it?  I can't believe it took me this long to think up this brilliant idea!!! Inspiration in a drawer. :D )

On to Advances - one my favorite writing-related blogs to read is Kristin Nelson's Pub Rants.  Kristin is an agent and extremely knowledgeable about the publishing industry.  She is very gracious and matter-of-fact about sharing her knowledge and often has helpful and interesting posts.  Yesterday she wrote about advances for debut authors.  I don't know why, but it seems like these sorts of statistics are difficult to find so I was pleased to read what Kristin had to say.  As we all know, it varies wildly but she at least provided a benchmark to begin with.  Thanks Kristin!

And finally, on to How to Write the Breakout Novel.  (Don't we wish we all knew how to do that one!!)  Another favorite blog of mine is that of Sarah Davies from Greenhouse Literary.  Delightfully English, (I can always hear her accent when I read her posts) and incredibly knowledgeable (she was an editor in London for 20+ years) Sarah is running a series of posts on How to Write the Breakout Novel. So far she has posted five parts to the series, each brilliantly written in a way that shows us what she means and makes you really think about the story you're writing.  The topics, thus far have been: An Inspired Concept, Larger Than Life Characters, A High Stakes Plot, A Deeply Felt Theme, and A Vivid Setting.  If you are a writer, definitely worth your time to check it out!

So, lots of good information to share.  I'm always on the lookout for writing related blogs that make me think about the craft of writing as well as providing insight into the industry. What favorite blogs do you recommend?

The Last Man on Earth

To celebrate the two year anniversary of when I last saw The Last Man on Earth, I decided to watch it again.

Long before the impressive "man" streak, long before my beard was longer than it is now but shorter than it was before, long before my wife threatened to take my life because of this blog, and long before I was ready to admit that Vincent Price is the greatest actor of all time, I sat down and watched this, the first adaptation of Richard Matheson's I Am Legend. It was June 23, 2008. I sat down with my action pants (a pair of tights with a jock strap worn over them), a muscle shirt, and a bowl containing approximately eight servings of tapioca pudding, and I watched The Last Man on Earth. Halfway through, I realized (and I've never told anybody about this before, but this is the kind of thing you share on two year anniversaries) that the ghost of Vincent Price, sans pants (action or otherwise), had sat beside me, leaning forward slightly and fondling the coffee table like it was a woman. We watched the rest of the movie together. I laughed twice, and he shot me a look like you see on the poster there. I yawned once; he shot me the same look. One year and two days later, while I was celebrating the one year anniversary of when I watched The Last Man on Earth, I was playing Michael Jackson's Thriller, and the song "Thriller" came on. I had attached jumper cables to my nipples in anticipation of the part of the song where Vincent Price laughs, and at that precise moment, my telephone rang and a man named Lucas who I had briefly, at a gas station in Nebraska, conversed with about how many different kinds of soda pops there were now compared to when he was a kid and then never seen again informed me that the King of Pop had died. "I thought you'd like to hear it from me first," he said. "I'm drinking something called a Grape Crush. Where the hell do they come up with this stuff?" That night, I was visited once again by the ghost of Vincent Price, sans shirt this time, and we wept together while he quoted a line from "Thriller": "Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together. Yeah." It was one of five life-changing experiences I had that week, but I don't remember the other four.

You can find my other write-up on June 23, 2008. My feelings haven't really changed. I think Price is excellent as usual. This movie really starts strong, sags in the middle with a really long flashback, and then has an unsatisfying conclusion. There are some great opening shots--empty gray buildings and streets, a gray sunrise, haunting gray corpses curled up on sidewalks or across stone steps, abandoned gray automobiles, a church sign with the ominous message "The end has come." And this has such a great opening line (Price's narration): "Another day to live through; better get started." The zombies really remind me of Romero's in Night of the Living Dead, but that could just be that I haven't seen a black and white zombie movie in a long time. I'd still rather them be mute though. When the zombies are first shown in motion, it's right after Vincent Price's character has thrown on a jazz record, and it looks for a moment like they're dancing. Something else I noticed this time around: There's a scene where Price is watching film, and he starts laughing at a scene with monkeys. It reminded me of the scene in Ghostrider where Nicolas Cage is laughing at televised monkeys, a scene that, if you haven't had to pleasure of watching Ghostrider yet, is very nearly a religious experience.

This is, for those of you keeping score, 50% better than The Omega Man and over 100% better than the terrible I Am Legend. And before you accuse me otherwise, that has nothing to do with my opinion on rights to own firearms or my racism.

The Man Who Knew Too Little

1997 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Wally, a Blockbuster employee from Des Moines, travels on his birthday to visit his brother in England. His brother is smack in the middle of business and pays for Wally to participate in the Theater of Life, an improvisational theatrical performance with audience participation. Wally takes the wrong phone call, is mistaken for a spy, and winds up in the middle of an assassination plot.

The saddest thing is that this has less laughs than The Man Who Knew Too Much. A lot less laughs. No, I take that back. The saddest thing is how it almost seems like they are setting things up for a possible sequel at the end of this, and there really isn't even enough material for this first movie. It's pitiful. This one's got a cute premise, but it's lackadaisically written. Characters are jerked from one bit of comic mischief to the next, and it doesn't take too long to figure out that there's just nothing here. Bill Murray seems to be going through the motions, hoping to coast on his Bill Murray fumes or something, and with a decent script, that would have worked fine. With nothing even resembling a decent script, he's just a tired parody of himself, most obvious during a too-long Russian dance scene that I suppose was intended to be both comic and suspenseful and succeeds in being neither.

Note: I've actually owned this movie for over two years (long story), and now that I've finally watched it (only because it has "man" in the title), I no longer have a use for it. Who wants it? Post your favorite movie quote in the comments below to be entered in a drawing to win The Man Who Knew Too Little.

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