Oprah Movie Club Pick for June: V for Vendetta

2006 Britney Spears biopic (you know, the bald thing)

Rating: 17/20 (Rubber Duck: Oops. I forgot to ask him.)

Plot: A clueless guy named Mr. V. just doesn't understand Halloween. Not only does he dress up a week late, but his "tricks" include throwing knives at people and blowing up buildings when he doesn't get an adequate amount of candy. He's too old for Halloween anyway! He meets that stripper from that one movie and tries to impress her with his jukebox and barber skills.

I tried to get Rubber Duck, official June Oprah Movie Club picker, to do the write-up for this one because a) he's a better writer than I am and b) he's smarter and probably has a better understanding of the movie than I do. Unfortunately, he's got better things to do, so you're stuck with me.

I have not read the Alan Moore/David Lloyd comics this is based on. Kent, who wrote about this movie and the comic previously on his own blog, can give some background there.

I tried to take some notes during this movie, but I was worried Rubber Duck would poke fun at me. I wrote down "a vice of Larder" at one point, so apparently notes wouldn't do me much good anyway.

As entertainment, I think this movie is solid stuff. You've got one of the most intriguing and unforgettable characters ever in the titular V. Hugo Weaving doesn't get a chance to act much as V since he's hidden behind a mask the entire movie. It's more like he's doing voice work for an animated movie. It's good voice work though. What's amazing to me is that the mask is so expressive when shot from different angles. There are times when you're watching the Guy Fawkes mask, and it almost seems to change expressions. And I still swear that there are a couple scenes where they add blush to that thing. Portman's as good as she usually is even though she unfortunately kept her clothes on the entire movie. Like Sinead O'Connnor and Britney Spears, she helps prove that bald women can be beautiful. She's run through a range of emotions in an oft-physical role and does a great job. There weren't as many action scenes as I remembered. Some key explosions that felt more artsy-fartsy than Rambo-ish, probably because of the classical music score, and two dazzling fight sequences that remind us the Matrix boys had something to do with this. It's poetic violence and never corny. John Hurt also stands out as Adam Sutler. The story is told vibrantly. It's artistic and stylish. But the beauty of the film is the way it can have so much emotional depth. Unlike the Matrix movies, even the only one that anybody could call any good at all, this one forces you to care about not only the characters but what they stand for. There is a little twist at the end that makes me cringe though.

Thematically, this is a little gummy. It's one of those thickly thematic movies, one that you don't really stop trying to piece together for a few days after you watch it. I like what it has to say about the power of ideas, how they can be dangerous and how they can be our saviors. But the story's packed with messages about faith, about symbols, about fear, about words, and about truth, all hitting home in timeless ways with an ending that I'd describe as cynically optimistic. It's all pretty powerful stuff, and I look forward to hearing what you people have to say about it.

Kick-Ass

2010 comic book movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Although he's not been bitten by a radioactive chicken or peed upon by a radioactive monkey, comic aficionado Dave decides to become a superhero. He sends off for a costume, dubs himself Kick-Ass, and wanders the city in search of crime to fight. He finds out quickly that fighting crime ain't all that easy after his first attempt puts him in the hospital with numerous broken bones. But he doesn't give up on his dream and eventually gets some media attention for his exploits. Meanwhile, a father/daughter crime fighting duo with actual superhero training and a hodgepodge of weaponry make plans to overthrow a big-time crime lord responsible for the death of their wife/mother. Their paths cross.

I'm not a comic book guy. Kairow is, and that's probably why one night during our freshman year at Johnson Bible College, the two of us and a guy called Wombat dressed up as superheros, left our dorm after curfew, and tried to find our campus security guard. I'm not completely sure what our goal was. We were probably just bored, and after Kairow had discovered that his pant leg (after he cut it off to make himself some bitchin' jean shorts) actually fit over his head, there's no way it wouldn't become a mask. And if he had a mask, he'd have to have a cape. And if he had a mask and a cape and a thing of Stain Stick and a cool superhero name like Stain Stick Man, then I'd have to have a costume. So I become the Human Fly with a jock-strap worn over some running tight things and a see-through hat over my face. And a tennis racket. I think that was the only thing I ever used the tennis racket for actually. Wombat was the type of guy who had both boxing gloves (no, he was not exactly a boxer; too round) and a monk outfit, so he became the Boxing Monk, probably the ballsiest of the trio since his face wasn't even covered. We waited outside our dorm entrance for a while before wandering off to find the security guard. We finally located them (didn't make me feel all that secure, I must say) and approached the car. Then, probably anticlimactically, we had the following conversation:

Stain Stick Man: Hello!
Security Guy: Hi.
Stain Stick Man: What are you boys doing out so late tonight?
Security Guy: Not much. How about you guys?
Stain Stick Man: Just fightin' crime.

Then, we walked back to the dorm. And that was pretty much that.

My point? We almost came up with this idea before the comic book was written. And it was a much more entertaining way to spend ninety minutes. No, I'm not saying that the makers of Kick-Ass ripped us off and owe us royalties or anything. I'm not exactly saying that it's a rip-off of anything. But it did have a tone similar to Scott Pilgrim, only less thrilling and with a protagonist who wasn't quite as likable or Michael Cera-ish. The romantic subplot made it seem derivative, like an 80's movie, and there wasn't anything going on with the main plot that felt like anything I've never seen before. It wasn't funny enough or playful enough to be satire either, so to me, it was just another comic book movie, and aside from a couple vibrant fight scenes featuring the cute little girl, a pretty tired one. Oh, and Nic Cage's surprisingly subdued performance as Big Daddy. I like how he Adam Wests it up when in the superhero garb, and the majority of the fun in Kick-Ass, is courtesy of America's finest actor. Craig Ferguson's also got a cameo, and it's always good to see him.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2010 rom-com fantasy mayhem

Rating: 15/20

Plot: 22-year-old Pilgrim's on the rebound after being dumped by his girlfriend. He spends his time playing with his band, Sex Bob-ombs (Mario reference), and hanging out with his high school girlfriend, Knives. They've even held hands. One night and falls for Ramona. Things are going well as they start dating, but soon, her evil ex-boyfriends start appearing out of nowhere to battle Scott, Mortal Kombat style!

I'm not a gamer although I have spent considerable amounts of time with a joystick, and yes, I'm aware there's a double meaning there. I'm not a comic book guy, and I probably wouldn't have known this was based on graphic novels if not for Kairow. Romantic-comedy ain't my genre, and over-the-top action movies annoy me. I really doubt, since I'm fastly approaching elderly, that I'm anywhere near the right demographic. Scott Pilgrim is a loud, often repetitive assault on the senses, a barrage of wackiness and fantastical mischief. But you know what? It's a hell of a lot of fun! It's a fervent and fresh approach to your old boy-meets-girl story, managing to have a style of its own despite plagiarizing from everything from the Batman t.v. show to Donkey Kong. It's a potpourri of pop-culture regurgitations, spewing technicolor from the television screen right in my lap, but I didn't mind a bit. The pace is rapid, and the jokes come a mile a minute. Not all of them connect (more than a few probably because I'm twice as old as Michael Cera) but it's stuffed full with so many of them that the fpm (funny per minute) is still impressive. Speaking of Michael Cera, an actor young enough to be my son, he plays the same character he always plays but with bushier hair. I still like that character, but I wonder what's going to happen to this kid's career when he hits puberty. Creative, energetic and, if not especially meaningful, lots and lots of fun. I would definitely see it again.

Beck (the American Cornelius) and Cornelius (the Japanese Beck) did songs for this.

Jonah Hex

2010 comic book Western

Rating: 9/20

Plot: In postbellum America, Jonah Hex is Civil War hero turned ruthless bounty hunter. The government enlists him to help find John Malkovich and his posse, Wild West terrorist who hope to bring America to its knees by using the same weapon technology that Jar Jar Binks and his friends used in The Phantom Menace--glowing orbs. Hex is all over that because Malkovich is the guy who scarred his face and killed his family.

A lot of this movie is incoherent. The plot's easy enough to follow, and the characters are nothing but cardboard types, but the individual parts that made up this whole just didn't make a lot of sense. It has the kind of fight scenes where you lose focus and can't keep track of what's going on. It's almost like that feeling when somebody turns off the lights and you can't figure out what's happening until your eyes adjust. Watching the action sequences in this movie was just like that feeling. The ultra-modern look of the movie almost clashed with the post-Civil-War and dusty town settings, and the score, thick in rockin' electronic git-fiddles, really annoyed me. There were some moments here (I like the first gun fight scene that winked at predecessors) and Josh Brolin was pretty good as the anti-hero type although his character does seem like a composite of a handful of silver screen anti-heroes. And despite all the whining about Megan Fox lately, I liked it when she was on the screen. But I suspect Jonah Hex is a movie that should have stayed a comic book, a film that cries out, "Look at how fresh I am! I'm new!" while actually seeming like nothing more than a Sin City rip-off.

What do you think, Kairow? Comic/movie comparison?

Batman and Robin

1997 superhero movie


Rating: 4/20


Plot: Homoerotic superboys Batman and Robin have to save Gotham from an ice man and a hippie.


My random thoughts as I watched Batman and Robin, a movie recommended by Barry, one of my favorite blog readers:


--Great choice to start this movie with close-ups of both Batman and Robin's rear ends.
--Batman on Ice? Oh, my. This is full of stupid.
--I'm 4% into this movie and have realized that 90% of the dialogue in this is going to be made up of bad puns.
--These action sequences make no sense. People float. And Batman certainly went through a lot of flipping and sliding just to kick Schwarzenegger in the chest, all while Arnold just stands and watches.
--Nice to see that Mr. Freeze has to copulate with his little rocket thing in order to drive it. I believe I just saw hip thrusting as he said, "Oh, yes!" Apparently, Mr. Freeze and his rocket climaxed simultaneously.
--This movie only has one color in it--blue. That's not going to work for me.
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the sound off?
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the visual off?
--What the hell is Uma talking about and why is she saying it like that?
--"Yes. Yes. Let the poisons and toxins dig a grave for you into the dirt you love so much." Now that is some sharp writing.
--OK, here's a shot of Mr. Freeze becoming Mr. Freeze. It's shot by a security camera but it has zooms?
--"I trust you, Alfred." Oh boy. I think we're going to see the first Bruce Wayne/Alfred make-out scene in Batman movie history.
--Great, the picture's cock-eyed again. Why does that keep happening? Should I tilt my head? Should I just go with it? Should I call somebody? Should I bang on the side of my television?
--Wait a second. I think the crazy scientist guy who made the Mexican wrestler was one of the bad guys in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show. I'm too lazy to look it up. Speaking of that show, Batman and Robin wouldn't be a bad candidate for that show. Except it's so loud that I doubt the robots would even be able to be heard over it.
--Uma just claimed she had a "literal change of heart." She sounds like Madonna in this movie.
--Mr. Freeze's machine runs on diamonds. I'm no scientist, but I don't see how that makes sense.
--Enter Alicia Silverstone, apparently hypnotized before her scenes.
--Even the extras are laughing at Uma's acting job here.
--"In Gotham City, Batman and Robin protect us. . .even from plants and flowers."
--Mr. Freeze watches a really well-filmed home video. The home video, taken on its own, might be better than this movie. In context, it's just a piece of a crappy puzzle.
--Ahh, we make a visit to Les Baxter's house. Jen, who started watching parts of this, asks if any of these scenes go together. In Les Baxter's house, we get some characters from Where the Wild Things Are and a dancing monkey.
--I was wondering to myself just how many awards Elizabeth Sanders, who plays Gossip Gerty is going to win in her career. Her "ooohs" and "aahhhs" in this are amazing. Unfortunately, it seems that she only has played Gossip Gerty in multiple Batman movies. Elizabeth--if you're reading this--you are not going to win Oscars playing Gossip Gerty!
--Batman flashes his gold card. OK, these people aren't even trying. This has more in common with the television show than the movies. But not in a good way.
--Love the cartoonish sound effects.
--Also love this bit of dialogue:
Uma: We've got work to do.
Bane: (nods) Uhh. Monkey work.
--I think I just watched the worst chase scene ever. A case down a statue's arms? And Batman disengaging Robin's engine and nearly getting him killed?
--This movie has to be the worst thing any of these actors and actresses has been involved in or will ever be involved in. It's definitely the worst movie Elizabeth Sanders has been in.
--Alfred's brother's name is Wilfred? Nice.
--Jesse Ventura? There are too many future governors in this movie.
--Dayglo cannibals in a condemned Turkish bath. More of those cartoon sound effects. I'm starting to see the hidden genius buried in the murk of Batman and Robin.
--Ah, an A Clockwork Orange visual reference. And I think I saw Coolio. And the kid in that old Art of Noise video from the 80's. I can dig it. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with this motorcycle race, however, and I don't think a bunch of those colors are supposed to happen.
--Repetitive techno music. At the one hour and twelve minute mark, I vomit.
--Alicia Silverstone hovering over the city. . .it doesn't quite look real, and I can't help wishing Robin would drop her.
--Uma and Jesse Ventura just kissed. C'mon. That's not kosher.
--Wait a second. Batman's suit has nipples on it.
--If I'm ever attacked with a cool mist, I hope I can still utter "My lungs!" like the guy in this movie.
--Seems like this movie is reaching an end, but there are still forty minutes left. I'm not sure I have the stamina. Or the will to continue living. If given the opportunity, I would allow Uma to kiss me just so I wouldn't have to finish the rest of Batman and Robin. And I'd get to find out what Uma tastes like. She probably tastes like Quentin Tarantino. And that probably doesn't taste very good at all.
--Poison Ivy is not a great villain. All she does is blow dust, slow down the action, and quiet the bombast.
--At the one hour and thirty minute mark, a break is required.
--Once resumed, this movie treats me with an awkward attempt at poignancy. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
--Gotham City's got some pretty dopey architecture.
--I'm just going to stop trying to decipher what Arnold is saying. I can assume a pun about being chilly is involved.
--Well, it's only a single line, but Guy in Observatory (I think I've decided it's Michael Paul Chan) could win my Torgo Award this year. "Who is this nutball?" I loved the delivery of that line. Too bad Arnold iced him.
--Alicia Silverstone's conversation with Alfred in the bat cave makes no sense. But she sure gets a chance to show off her acting chops. "Suit me up, Uncle Alfred."
--Ahh. A Batgirl posterior close-up. That's better than the architecture.
--More great dialogue, almost Shakespearean:
Poison Ivy: Kiss me.
Robin: Tell me your plan. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: Kiss me first; then, I'll tell you.
Robin: No, tell me your plan first. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: How about you kiss me first. Following that, I will tell you my plan.
And so on. This scene ending with faux lips is icing on the cake of stupidity.
--Great--more incoherent blue action scenes.
--"It's one of those days!" Yes! Michael Paul Chan is unfrozen to clumsily deliver another line!
--Is this movie ever going to end?

Thanks for the recommendation, Barry.

Batman

1989 superhero movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: All of Gotham's criminals are talking about a mysterious crime fighter who dresses as a bat and can't be killed. Batman! One night, Batman throws one particular criminal in a giant pot of soup. He emerges disfigured and annoyed and decides to take out his frustrations on the people of Gotham.

I'm not sure I actually ever saw this movie all the way through. I was 16-ish, watching this in a theater with Krissy. There was fondling involved, lots of it as a matter of fact, and Krissy was a lot prettier than anything in the movie. And I'm including that scene where Jack Nicholson's over-the-top Joker is dancing purple-suited in an art musuem with his henchmen, one who has a boom box on his shoulder. There's not a movie critic alive (or in the case of Gene Siskel, dead) who doesn't realize giving a henchman a boom box is like pumping an action scene full of steroids, automatically increasing the level of bitchin' by 27%. Other than that, one of three scenes that date this movie with weird, out-of-place Prince (was he Prince in 1989 or was he a symbol?) funk tunes, there's not much going on in this overlong movie. For an action movie, it sure is boring. The action sequences are dull and often hard to see through this murkiness or, in several scenes, wryneck-inducing lightning strike editing makes it hard to figure out what's even going on. As with the most recent Batman movie, the performance of the guy playing the bad guy gives the film almost all of its energy. Nicholson's Jokering is off-kilter and deranged, although the script calls for far too much demented laughter and lame puns. Regardless of a thrilling score and piles of explosions, there's just something stiff about this whole thing. Of course, there was always something stiff when Krissy was around. Wacka-wacka-wacka!

Superman Returns

2006 sequel

Rating: 10/20 (Dylan: 2/20; Emma: 12/20; Caden: 20/20)

Plot: Superman's been away a while, five years specifically. So has Clark Kent actually, but nobody's able to make that connection. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor somehow wins he appeal, is released from prison, and concocts a complicated plot to use crystals to make a big island because, just like in the first movie, he's obsessed with the idea of beach front property. Superman takes care of bad guys while dealing with the fact that Lois Lane has moved on.

I don't like this Superman. There's nothing wrong with this Brandon Routh kid, the guy who plays the Man of Steel, but just like the above poster presents him, he at times seems more like a magician in this movie than he does a superhero. Plus, this version of Superman is both a Peeping Tom and a wife stealer, and I felt bad for Lois Lane's new guy (Richard) who really did nothing to deserve having a guy in tights trying to move in on his girl. I didn't realize that this movie was a sequel. I thought "reboot" had more to do with starting from scratch, so I was surprised to see Marlon Brando and hear the recognizable music. Unfortunately, a lot of ideas are recycled, too, if not from previous Superman movies than from other contemporary comic book superhero flicks. This movie is uglier and darker though and the fun from those first two Superman movies (probably the other two, too) is replaced with a sinister seriousness, mostly because of a different Lex Luthor character. Kevin Spacey is awful here in what would have been called an attempt to Heath-Ledgerize his bad guy if The Dark Knight had come out a couple years before Superman Returns. Spacey looks more like Graf Orlok than a criminal mastermind, and I actually thought he was going to try to bite Superman at one point. At least he's about the right age, unlike Superman and Lois Lane who, despite being in a movie that takes place five years after the others, looks a lot younger than Chris and Margot. This movie's got some clean, crisp visuals, but the special effects aren't consistent, sometimes even within the same scenes. There's an early scene with involving a plane, easily more exciting than anything that happens later in the movie, that looks pretty cool, completely ridiculous, and all the adjectives in between. And don't get me started on how Lois Lane survives without a scratch despite being bounced around that plane like she is. There's also a scene with a young Clark Kent running through a cornfield that reminded me of the rubber-legged Clark Kent in the first Superman movie. Perhaps it's an homage to that scene? Ironically, my favorite effects were when Lex Luthor destroys a model train set. I liked that scene, and I also liked a completely unnecessary shot of Jimmy awkwardly eating a sandwich and a scene with a poorly-tattooed henchman and Lois Lane's son playing a piano duet. But when the best scene in an action movie is less than two seconds of a guy eating a sandwich, you've got a problem.

Note: I only saw the first fourth of this movie with Dylan, Emma, and Caden. They finished without me, and I had to finish watching later.

Superman II

1980 sequel

Rating: 14/20 (one point lower than the first one; I had to change the first one to a 15/20 to make that happen)

Plot: After a lengthy recap of the first movie (Superman: The Movie), it's revealed that the nuclear bomb Superman hurled into space exploded and made the three leather-clad villains from Krypton 3-D again. They come to the first planet with one sun, conveniently the same planet that Superman is on, in order to rule. Meanwhile, Superman is keeping very busy with his goal of trying to get into Lois Lane's pants. (SPOILER ALERT!) It works, and she understands exactly what all that Man of Steel stuff is all about if you know what I mean. You're a mature reader, so I'm pretty sure you do! Lex Luther escapes from prison and tries to hook up with the visitors, each with Superman's powers, while Superman himself actually makes the decision to give up his powers, presumably because of the sex.

1) What the hell? My memory must be terrible because I do not remember that Superman FLIES AROUND THE WORLD REALLY FAST TO REVERSE TIME in this sequel just like he did in the first movie. Come on! They thought that was a good enough idea to use twice?

2) I completely forgot to mention this in my review of Warning from Space, but there's an idea from that movie that had to have been stolen by the Superman people for both of these Superman movies. You know the hula hoops that are used to imprison the leather-clad bad guys on Krypton? That identical image is used in Warning from Space!

3) Speaking of the leather-clad bad guys, they're the antagonists in this one. They're cool. Marlon Brando alludes to Irsa's perversions within a minute and a half of this one. What a tease! I really like Terence Stamp (The Collector and Phantom Menace, the best of the Star Wars movies) as General Zod, especially at the end of one scene where he seems to have forgotten the rest of his line and just decides to yell his name. "Zod!" Irsa's cool, too. The thug with the menacing beard doesn't say anything, but the other two have some great lines. I especially like the scenes involving their acclimation with their new home. And Zod's response to Perry Mason's warning that there's a man who'll never kneel ("Who is this imbecile?") is really great.

4) The special effects are good. I especially like the scene that takes place on the moon. There are two scenes as embarrassing as the scene with rubber-legged Clark racing the train though. Both involve somebody falling, the first Lois Lane after she stupidly leaps from the window to test her theory that Clark is Superman (Why didn't she just toss Jimmy out?) and the second when a boy falls at Niagara. Is that even possible by the way?

5) Speaking of Lois-jumping-from-the-window scene: Wouldn't she have suffered some awful injuries bouncing off a canopy onto a vegetable stand?

6) One more thing about that scene: I love Clark Kent's answer to his boss's question about where Lois Lane went. "She just stepped out." There are a lot of really funny lines in this movie, and a lot of humor that just falls completely flat. The NASA guy's line about somebody turning on a hair dryer after the tragedy on the moon was really bad. I expected a second NASA guy to turn to him and say, "Too early, NASA guy. Too early."

7) There's a "flying date" reprise, or at least the threat of one, but it's sans the bad poetry so that's ok. There's also a scene where the bearded guy flies with Lex Luther which is likely the hottest scene in the history of superhero movies.

8) As I said earlier, some of the comic relief in this works great. I still love the stuff with Otis and Lex and later with Ms. Teschmacher and Lex, but both of those characters (the ones not named Lex) aren't in the movie very long. Ms. Teschmacher flushing a toilet at Superman's ice house is pretty funny though.

9) Once Zod(!), perverse Irsa, and Beardo arrive on earth, they run into a couple cops who get some great lines. "Hey, hippies, get off the road!" is my favorite line in the movie. What the hell would make that guy think they're hippies? And then his partner used the exclamation "Holy skunk sweat!" which almost made me want to attack my neighbor with hedge clippers.

10) The scene where Clark Kent gets beat up is hard to watch. These truck drivers had to think that Clark Kent was the biggest pansy in the world. "M-m-my blood. My blood." At least he wasn't wearing the tights.

11) Oh, my favorite line in this or any other movie that has ever been made: Lex Luther's "Funny is a person trying to smile without any teeth."

12) This is a thinly-veiled propaganda piece about the evils of premarital sex or, to put it less controversially, a commercial for abstinence.

13) Everything Marlon Brando or his giant head says or does in this movie is goofy. When he's combining Kryptonean philosophy with Beach Boys lyrics, things just get ridiculous.

14) Favorite scene: The top of the Empire State Building has been laser-eyed off and is falling to the street below! What's a guy standing below do in response? Turn his back and cover up his head, of course! That'll save him!

15) I love the product placement in this. I'm not sure why Marlboro and Coca Cola thought that people would want to rush out and buy their products just from watching a superhero or super villain fly through one of their signs. And when Superman ludicrously flies around the earth really fast and repairs the Coca Cola sign? I'm sure there's a pro-capitalism subtext there to go along with the abstinence message.

16) This movie ends with a bang like all good superhero action movies should--Clark Kent back in the restaurant taking care of a truck driver who mistreated him earlier in the movie. Reeve's delivery of a line about how he's never seen "garbage eating garbage before" is delivered with such gusto that the man should win some kind of posthumous lifetime achievement award where the audience at the awards event is forced to watch a loop of him saying that line for at least two hours. I'm not even kidding.

17) This isn't as good as the first Superman movie. Some of the whimsy and novelty is gone, and although the big fight scene with the bad guys is pretty exciting, it's almost numbed by some of the goofiness that takes place afterward.

18) Oh, one more question: How did Lex Luther know about the relationship between Lois and Superman?

19) Marlon Brando's chest "S" still bugs me.

Superman: The Movie

1978 superhero movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Superman's mom and dad (Ja Rule and Beyonce) send him in a space craft made from shards of glass just before the destruction of their planet Krypton, also made from shards of glass. He is adopted by a couple hicks, and when one of them dies, he abandons the other and goes to live and work in the big city as Clark Kent, guy with glasses. He gets a job as a newspaper reporter, befriends a whore and a gay photographer, and brings tights right back into fashion. Meanwhile, Lex Luther, internationally infamous wig thief, has plans to do villainous things. Will Superman be able to stop the plan in time? Will it matter since he (SPOILER ALERT!) apparently has the ability to reverse the spinning of the earth and, despite what any sober physicist would say about the possibilities, reverse time?

And that's the biggest problem with this movie. I know where the phrase "jump the shark" came from and what it means. I want to know why the phrase wasn't "spin the globe" or something like that? The first 95% of this movie really isn't that great. I loved it as a kid, and the nostalgic side of me likes watching all of these scenes that I would play out in my backyard. But it's not a great movie. That last 5% though? Whoa. It's almost as if Lex Luther got a hold of the script and, as part of a dastardly scheme, burned the last few pages and added this stupid ending instead. Dastardly! No wonder none of the sequels work. If Superman can just reverse time when things aren't going his way, what's really the point of anything else that happens? It reminds me of that time I was playing rock-paper-scissors with that bald kid who lived down the street. Every time I'd win (my rock against his scissors), he'd pull a machete out, chop off my hand, and say, "Rocks don't count if they're on the ground." After he did that twice, I didn't even want to play with him anymore. I'd probably rather have my hand chopped off than have to watch the scene in this movie where Superman and pink-pantied Lois Lane are flying around a very phallic Statue of Liberty (apparently, they've got one of those in Metropolis) while she reads bad poetry. Other issues/questions with this movie:

1) The special effects are really good except for a scene when young Superman is racing a train and he looks like he's made out of rubber. That's one of the many scenes that could have been cut from this movie.

2) How can Lois Lane be stretched out like that with outstretched arms right next to Superman while they're flying? Why so stiff? (That's what she said.) This is right before he drops her. That, by the way, makes it all seem like a candidate for the worst first date ever.

3) Why does Marlon Brando have an "S" on his chest? His name's Ja Rule. Shouldn't he have a "J" on his chest? Kairow, what am I missing here?

4) Why did they have to use Reeve's voice (dubbed) for the teenage Superman? That's not a teenager's voice! No wonder his classmates were creeped out by him. That voice and those rubber legs?

5) Maybe I'm just stupid, but I don't have any idea what's happening on Krypton. If there was never a sequel to this (maybe there shouldn't have been), all that stuff with the three leather-clad bad guys who wind up spinning through space in a triangular mirror wouldn't make any sense at all. And speaking of them, Marlon Brando mentions something about Irsa's perversion. Am I the only warm-blooded male watching this thing that thinks a prequel about Irsa's perversions would be a much better movie than any Superman movie they could make? You reading this, Hollywood? We're all waiting for Irsa's Perversions. You can even work in a CGI Yoda if you want.

6) Can Superman read minds? And if so, did he drop Lois Lane intentionally because he could hear her bad poetry?

7) Superman's disguise includes glasses and the parting of his hair on the opposite side. Come on. That's just ridiculous. He doesn't even disguise his voice like Christian Bale's Batman.

8) Full-frontal nudity? Is this the only super-phallus we get to see? And granted, he's just a boy, but we're talking about Superman's junk here. If this was George Lucas's movie, he would have already re-released this with an obscenely large CGI Superman penis by now. And probably thrown in a Yoda!

9) What's with those hula hoops on Krypton? I could watch those things for hours.

10) This movie is too long. So is this blog entry probably.

There are plenty of redeeming qualities though. The music is great, including the main theme played over the incredibly dynamic opening credits. I also like the cute little song that plays whenever Otis is up to something. I like Ned Beatty as Otis, and I think Gene Hackman is great as Lex. In fact, I can't imagine anybody else playing that part. Same with Christopher Reeve in the title role he seemed born to play. I like some of the humor, and there's a really big chunk of this movie (from the moment when Lois Lane's helicopter starts spiralling out of control until where things get really stupid at the end) that is pretty great. I also really dig the scene where Superman makes his ice castle. This is a movie I'll always secretly love despite its numerous flaws. I don't imitate it nearly as often now that I'm in my 30s although I can't think of a single situation in my life that the wearing of a big red cape wouldn't enrich.