The Last Airbender

2010 soul-sapping experience

Rating: 5/20 (Abbey: 13/20)

Plot: A little kid with a blue glowing arrow tattoo on his bald head is the chosen one or something and as the titular last airbender, has to journey to far-away lands to learn how to bend water and fire and dirt. Fire-bending people are trying to get in his way.

Abbey's a fan of the television cartoon series that this is based on. I kept having to ask her questions about what the hell was going on in this piece of supernatural crap, but honestly, I didn't really care all that much and was just trying to stay awake. This was probably the most bored that I'll be with a movie all year. The characters were flat, and they might as well have been played by statues. That's about how much personality they all had. And I just didn't get this bending thing. The characters made these little kung-fu moves, and through the magic of special effects, crap moved around. I got that, but the fight scenes didn't make any sense to me. I kept trying to apply logic, paper-rock-scissors type rules, to the whole thing, but what element beats what? It seems like water would beat fire. What beats air? At least closing my eyes and trying to figure that all out kept me from having to see this movie. It looked synthetic, synthetic and ugly. And like Drive Angry, the criminals responsible for this have tried their best to take advantage of that fad with swooshing water and flying fire. No type of glasses will help this look any better though. The biggest issues here are with the storytelling though. This fantasy-adventure tale is told by a person who has no idea how to pace a movie or write dialogue. And who might that person be? M. Night Shmaltzydong, of course! And he tells this story so humorlessly. I've seen bits and pieces of the cartoon, and there's some humor in that. This thing is sickeningly stiff, as if somebody wanted this epic tale of bending crap to be super-serious and decided to suck out anything that could potentially cause the audience to have fun. And the best news? There are at least two more installments required to finish this story. I won't watch those with 3-D glasses either. In fact, I'd rather have somebody poke my eyes out than watch any more of this shit.

Chocolate

2008 kung-fu movie with a girl

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The mob boss isn't happy when two of his employees hook up. He separates them. The woman gives birth to the guy's baby, an autistic girl named Zen. Then, the mother gets cancer, and with no way to pay for treatments, finds herself in a pickle. Zen and her little fat buddy find a little black book with the names of a bunch of people who owe her mother money, and together, they go to those people to see about collecting. Zen has to kick a few in the head to get them to cooperate.

Full disclosure: I came very close to taking this out of the dvd player after the first ten or fifteen minutes. I like my kung-fu a little tongue-in-cheek, and this one, probably because of that oh-so-serious deep-voiced dubbing you get in a lot of these, just seemed to be the type of movie that was going to take itself way too seriously. But then I noticed that one of the female character's voices was dubbed by a man, and I was entertained by that. An autistic protagonist, although annoying at times, was also interesting, and there's a fat kid in the movie, too. Fat kids always lighten things up. Oh, and the fat kid, after noticing how quick Zen's reflexes are, develops this trick where he throws things at her for her to catch and it reminded me of Awakenings, one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. So I kept watching. I'm really glad I stuck with this one because although I never cared much about the characters or what was going on with them, I really enjoyed the fight scenes. This gal Jeeja Yanin's got some serious kicks. Her character learns kung-fu from watching movies, so she imitates different kung-fu legends in the fight sequences. There's a bit of Bruce Lee's birdy chirps in her first big fight scene, and some Chan-esque acrobatics and prop use in a scene that takes place in a factory. If you like seeing people getting kicked in the head, there's plenty of it in this. It all builds to a ludicrous fight scene on multiple floors of the outside of a building. It's great stuff, and I'm surprised to learn that wires and/or special effects weren't used. It definitely looks dangerous enough, and the credits reveal (painfully) that there were quite a few injuries during the shooting of this. In Jackie Chan's movies, you get the bloopers during the credits where somebody accidentally kicks Jackie in the side of the head and he rubs it and they all share a good laugh because they remember that Jackie Chan is actually made from rubber and can't be injured. In this, somebody will get kicked in the head and then crack the other side of their head on a wall or something and you think, "Wow. That guy probably just died." It's an exciting martial arts flick if that's what you're looking for. It's not without its problems, however. Jeeja Yanin can't act as well as she can beat up men, the main character's "kryptonite" is kind of stupid, that aforementioned dubbing is no good, and the techno music gives it that nauseatingly modern feel.

The Legend of Drunken Master

1994 kung-fu movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Posters have invaded China, and folks are panicking. They call on Jackie Chan to save the day, and [Spoiler Alert! Although the poster to the left actually spoils it all anyway.] he uses his drunken fighter style to punch holes in the evil posters. Comically.

I didn't think much of Jackie Chan before I saw this movie. I had seen a couple fistfuls of kung-fu flicks and liked the genre, and everything I knew about Jackie Chan--his general reputation, the small sampling of his work that I'd seen--made me assume that he was like a kung-fu sell-out or something, too popular or new school to be worth my time. The Legend of Drunken Master floored me when I first saw it, and the terrifically creative and acrobatic fight scenes still floor me today. The plot of this one, along with some embarrassing dubbing and some less-than-stellar acting, isn't anything to write home about. Luckily, the bulk of this is made up of those action sequences. The first, mostly taking place beneath a train, shows off rapid movements and some choreography that utilizes every square inch of that confined space. But the fight scenes just get better and better. A lengthy climax in a factory is fast and furious and eye-popping, featuring a guy with legs that moved so quickly and rubbery that I thought for sure they were computer-generated legs. But I think I like the two fight scenes in the middle--one where the character first demonstrates his drunken style to beat down a collective of goons and another where he and a partner take on a ton of dudes with axes--even better. Jackie Chan's known for his stunts, his fluid movements, and his use of humor and props. Here, at nearly forty, Chan's at the top of his game, and if you're a fan of kung-fu movies at all, there are several action sequences that will have you reaching for the rewind button so that you can see them again. They're good enough to help you forgive all the attempts at humor that fall completely flat. The original Drunken Master movie from 1978 is also worth watching, by the way. Compared to this version, it's more traditional and not nearly as flashy, but it's still a solid martial arts flick with that white-haired old guy Siu Tien Yuen who I really like.

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead

2004 kung-fu zombie movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Something about the star of Kill Bill and a pair of sidekicks fighting evil and giving the dead proper burials. It involves voodoo papers. His brother's turned evil and fights against him every step of the way. There are hopping zombies all over the place, too.

First off, I want to find the guy who played Buck (Michael Bowen) in Kill Bill Volume 1 and put him in the kung-fu sequel to The Diary of Anne Frank that I plan on writing and directing some day. That way I'll be able to put "From the star of Kill Bill 1" on the top of my dvd box and make a little extra cash despite having dialogue as bad as the dialogue in this movie:

Master: Take a piss!

Kid: What? Now?

Other Kid: You heard the master. Do it.

Kid: [Pisses]

Other Kid: Master, why did you tell him to take a piss?

Master: I need virgin's pee.

See, sometimes it's poor translating combined with poor dubbing that makes it all sound much worse than it actually is, but I'm not sure that's the case here. Maybe with the later "Where do you come from, devil? How dare you invade my little brother?" is the result of the translation/dubbing combo though. This whole thing's a lot of nonsense. Why do the zombies hop? What's with the ad nauseum chanting? Why's that kid keep slamming his groin into a wall? Does a suddenly materializing Mike Tyson tattoo really give a person special powers? Why so many references to whizzing? What the hell are voodoo papers? There are a few moments when this movie almost looks good, but for the most part, it's one of those modern kung-fu flicks injected with some horror that isn't very scary and some humor that doesn't fit at all. The special effects are the scariest part of this, a kind of CGI nightmare. The Shaolin vs. Evil Dead story isn't even completed in this movie which is really frustrating. Clips during the credits promise a sequel, and it looks like they've found a way to make the special effects even uglier. I have no interest in sitting through the sequel to figure out what the hell this one was about.

Legendary Weapons of China

1982 kung-fu movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Assassins are sent to hunt down a kung-fu master who was teaching students to not die when shot by bullets but who ran away when he discovered that it was impossible not to die when shot by bullets. A bunch of fighting takes place.

This is bookended by the opening credits which showcase the titular legendary weapons and a lengthy fight scene at the end where the pair of foes use more than a dozen legendary weapons. It's enough swish-swish-swooshing to make even the most experienced martial arts aficionado a little dizzy, but that climactic fight scene is properly considered one of the best ever. There's an emotional edge, too. But like most Shaw Brothers' flicks, that's not really what we're looking for here. This one's colorful and confusing, muddled by too much comic relief and a potpourri of characters, some who don't even seem to know their own genders. I was really confused by a con artist character and didn't always understand the motivations of the characters. But once this gets going, it goes hard, and that array of legendary weapons is enough to make any kung-fu fan as stiff as a Chinese spear. Even Charlie Sheen's butler would call it epic.

Who Am I?

1998 premake of The Bourne Identity

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Special agent Jackie Chan tumbles out of a helicopter, bangs his head on a tree branch, and forgets who he is. He befriends a tribe of Native Americans living in South Africa but reconnects with society after helping a woman win a off-road racing event. Suddenly, everybody's trying to kill him, and he finds himself in a situation that he must kick his way out of.

The last twenty minutes or so contains some great kick-'em-in-the-noggin action with a dangerous glassy slide and a furious fight on a rooftop. Most of what precedes that final act is just dumb and confusing action story-telling. There are twists and turns that either don't make sense or just don't work, some awful acting, a bunch of explosions, a bunch more explosions, a car chase, some guns. It feels derivative, not a problem if the action's got me on the edge of my seat or if the characters are interesting. That's not really the case here though. I like my martial arts movies simple. I just want to see cats kicking each other. I don't need all this story, especially this sort of convoluted story that I have to pay a lot of attention to. That final twenty minutes? That's something I could watch again. The rest of it? Don't need it. By the way, I don't think he actually makes that face he's making on the movie poster above at any time during this movie. So if you were planning on renting this to see him make that face, don't waste your time. You'd be better off enlarging the image and shaking your monitor around and making explosion sounds with your lips.

Master of the Flying Guillotine

1976 kung-fu classic

Rating: 16/20

Plot: After a one-armed man kills a pair of his former students, the blind and bearded titular master of the titular weapon of mass decapitation goes on a one-armed man killing spree to get revenge. The shenanigans threaten to ruin a kung-fu tournament.

It's no wonder this is a favorite of Tarantino and kung-fu aficionados. It's balls-to-the-wall action, that sort of uncouth action that nudges aside any semblance of plot. The characters are very colorful. The least interesting character is probably the hero, the one-armed boxer played by director Yu Wang. I'm not even sure that's a knock on the one-armed boxer played by director Yu Wang, but when you have a disco-dancing flamboyant Thai boxer, a guy named Wins-Without-a-Knife who wins with a knife, and a guy whose arms extend to a length of about ten feet when he fights, having only a single arm is not going to seem like a big deal. I like when the weirdness in these movies is played straight. I'd almost understand if, following the first time that guy's arms extended, there was a comic shot of a guy with really big eyes and a springy noise sound effect, but Master of the Flying Guillotine doesn't have anything like that and is better for it. The bad guy's awesome, and the guillotine might be one of the most menacing weapons in the history of martial arts movies. I didn't think about the special effects used to make the guillotine be a flying one, and that's a credit to the special effects team. This is a "tournament" martial arts film, and there's a bulk near the middle made up of a series of fights. It's a great excuse to show a variety of characters and fighting styles. Another thing great about this is the music, some really cool krautrock stuff including Neu!. And the climactic fight scene between the one-armed man and the blind man? As epic as you'd think a fight between a one-armed man and a blind man would be! Definitely recommended for fans of the genre.

The Karate Kid

2010 remake

Rating: 12/20 (Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Same as the 1984 version of The Karate Kid except the thirty-five year old "kid" Ralph Macchio has been replaced with Will Smith's daughter. Oh, and it takes place in China and has a Lady Gaga song replacing that Joe Esposito "You're the Best . . . Around" song.

When I was a kid, I was in a book with Grover, the Sesame Street Muppet. My mom or grandmother or somebody had sent away for it. It had my picture in it, and Grover used my name. And you can bet that I felt special as a seventeen-year-old kid, the only boy in my high school who co-starred with Grover in a picture book! I imagine this version of The Karate Kid is a lot like that only Will Smith's daughter's parents have a lot more money to spend on the project. The story is nearly identical, cheesy layer after cheesy layer. I think it might (shockingly) have even more montages though. The incomparable Jackie Chan replaces the incomparable Pat Morita, and the fight scenes are, and this is no compliment, a bit flashier. The big climactic "Crane" thing from the first movie is replaced by something incoherent and goofy, and probably because of the 1984 movie, I knew it was coming and just had to sort of wait for it in agony. "Oh, I bet Will Smith's daughter is going to try to pull that off in the tournament," I groaned. Jaden Smith isn't awful, even with all the bad lines she's forced to read, and the endless training montages looked authentic enough. The kung-fu aficionado in me probably liked those best. That whole jacket thing didn't quite have the impact that "Wax on/Wax off" had though. I also liked the lone fight scene with old man Jackie Chan beating up some children although I wished those children would have been dressed as skeletons. The biggest problem I had with this remake was its length. At five hours and twenty-three minutes, it just seemed a little long. I probably could have done without the couple hours of violin recitals and the montages could have been cut in half from fourteen to seven. I think Will Smith should have his daughter remake Teen Wolf next, by the way. Or maybe the three Back to the Futures! Hell, Jackie Chan could even take Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown in that one, right?

Samurai Jack

2003 television cartoon movie

Rating: 16/20 (Abbey: 18/20)

Plot: An evil, polymorphous sorcerer named Aku takes over the world. A child is sent far away from the villain to be trained as a samurai for the sole purpose of returning some day to bring order back to the world. And with his magic sword, he's nearly successful until Aku opens a portal and sends him to the future where he is dubbed Samurai Jack. The future's not bright as Aku rules and robots run rampant. Jack has to search for a way to get back to the past so that he can defeat Aku and save the world. Watch out!

Abbey picked this out, and I'm always in the mood for a little Samurai Jack action. This "movie" is really the first three episodes that set up the rest of the series. It's in three parts, and the three parts have the samurai cinema homages, the playful humor, and the fantastic action sequences that make the show one of my favorites. In part one, we meet Aku and have an montage where our young hero is being trained in different martial arts and other skills. In the second, he's flung to the future, so we get that science fiction twist on the samurai story. And some funny talking dogs. And in the third, we get a brilliant battle between the protagonist and a bunch of robot spiders. Consistently creative with artful fight scenes, a hodgepodge of eccentric characters, superb music, and simple but wonderful animation by Clone Wars guy Genndy Tartakovsky, the series is addictive and epic. And this movie kicks things off great. Tartakovsky seems to be influenced by the same exact stuff I love (samurai movies, Star Wars, Alice in Wonderland, spaghetti westerns) and the creative "camera angles," ever-changing assortments of sceneries, and the use of split screen during the action scenes keep things fresh. Watching Samurai Jack kick ass is all fine and dandy, but the humor injected into the storylines and the quiet moments are really what makes this all special. I love the use of sound effects, too. But those fight scenes! Like the rest of the series, you have violence in this that would make it completely inappropriate for children if the victims were human. You'd have limbs all over the place! But other than Jack getting scratched and bruised occasionally (and he isn't the type of hero who is completely invincible) and Aku who is just a black shape that sort of tears, the antagonists being cut down are machines. Robots don't bleed. Well, unless you count oil. And if you do and are disgusted by a little oil in your cartoons, the climax of the robot spider fight scene probably isn't for you as it makes the House of Blue Leaves scene in Kill Bill look like the violence in your typical Tom and Jerry cartoon. Actually, now that I think about it, those Tom and Jerry cartoons were exceptionally violent. Out of all the things I love, Samurai Jack is the one that makes me feel most geeky. But I'm not ashamed to admit that the news about an upcoming theatrically released Samurai Jack movie to finish off the story made me clap my hands and giggle and proclaim that I would probably dress up as a character to see it opening night. Samurai Jack makes me feel like a kid again, likely because I still rock the Samurai Jack pajamas (with the feet) when I want to have a more exciting night of sleep. And this kid, if his mother would let him, would call the premiere movie bitchin'.

Ip Man

2008 Hong Kong Phooey

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The tale of Yip Man and why he lost his Y. Loosely (I imagine very loosely) based on a real-life tough guy in Foshan, a town packed with martial arts schools, who single-handedly-and-footedly beats up every single Japanese person and teaches China the art of Wing Chun. Bruce Lee, according to the poster, learned from him.

Not only is this an action-packed kung-fu film stuffed with lots and lots of images of guys getting kicked in the side of the face in slow motion (a modern kung-fu movie idea that will likely be beaten into the ground), it's a great movie. The cinematography is impressive, and the 1930s Foshan they've created is very realistic. The acting's good, especially the stoic Donnie Yen as the titular Yip, a guy whose got that gift of having such a presence even if he's not doing anything, reminiscent, I think, of the commanding screen presence that Bruce Lee had. And the scenes when he actually does do things on screen? Electric. The fight scenes are terrific--intensely exciting and often even emotional. There's a scene near the middle of the film where Yen fights Japanese soldiers for the first time, and from the moment he says, "I'm going to fight ten of you mo-fos" (that's my paraphrase) to the last strike, I was all goose-pimply. It's one of those fight scenes that, if you enjoy martial arts movies, you just have to rewind and watch again. You never really get the sense that Yen's character is in any danger at all though; in fact, I wondered if it was in his contract that he was not to be struck on screen or something. Still, regardless of whether or not there's any suspense about who is going to win any of the fight scenes, it's great fun watching Yen's quickness and fluid movement and there's nothing going on that makes it unrealistic or fantastical like some other modern kung-fu classics. With flying fists, swinging axes, dancing long poles, and busting bones, this has enough to please both old school kung-fu aficionados and fans of all those beautifully photographed, more mature martial arts dramas that have been made this century. I'm not sure about the historical accuracy. I'm also pretty sure that Ip Man is really a glossy action-oriented propaganda film. But who cares?

A confession: I may have watched this only to prevent it from being Kairow's movie-of-the-month selection for March because it would mess up the movie I want to pick in a few months. He can have credit for the recommendation though.

Taoism Drunkard

1984 kung-fu insanity

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Umm. Well, the titular drunkard breaks a statue, and to make up for it, he has to find the cherry boys and the Virgin Chicken. Meanwhile, a kung-fu demon is trying to steal some holy writing, but he's having a difficult time getting past a grandmother and a watermelon monster. That's right. A freakin' watermelon monster. Confession: I have almost no idea what was going on during most of this movie.

This is how I like my kung-fu--nice and insane. Within ten minutes, you get the following: some spacey sound effects, knee knives, some flying, a guy who has no palm lines, a flashback that sort of explains why he has no palm lines, tongue removal, a porcupine man, these cool physics-defying metal balls that a guy uses as weapons, and a drunken guy driving a car shaped like a mouse. Don't think that Taoism Drunkard shoots its wad too early though. You don't have to wait too long before the real star of the show makes his appearance. The Watermelon Monster:

This is the thing that guards the writing that the devil guy is trying to steal. It hops and flies around, snapping its teeth (it seems to go straight for the groin) and nipple-tweaking with these tentacle things. It's the greatest thing ever, and I realize I've written that exact same thing about eighty different things on this blog, but this time I mean it. And the zaniness doesn't let up after this first appearance of this spherical fighting machine. No, you get a kung-fu fighter who can retract his head and arms into him like a turtle, articles of clothing used as weapons, attack tables, the biggest sword I think I've ever seen, a poison that ages the victim, urine drinking, an homage to the Marx Brothers' mirror gag, a giant stone foot that pops out of the wall and kicks people, and in my personal favorite scene, a kung-fu master who incorporates the robot and the moonwalk into his fighting repertoire. There's also a song with the raunchy lyrics "Though the sugarcane is small, it is hard as iron" that they sing to the tune of "It's a Small World." Whew. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's very funny and quickly paced, and the fight scenes are creative. This is the type of kung-fu movie that you have to pause every once in a while just to catch your breath. Something strange though--the version I watched was subtitled instead of being dubbed. Major bummer, and it probably didn't help me understand the plot any, but there were some (I'm guessing) poorly translated subtitles that were funny.

"So me ate what he grew."

"I am using abdominal language to joke with you."

And some dirty talk during a sex scene: "How is it? Is it comfortable and interesting?" If I ever have sex again, I'm going to say that.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

2001 religious kung-fu musical horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: I haven't read it, but I think this might be based on John's the Book of Revelation.

Yes, that's Santo on the cover, side-by-side with Jesus and ready to fight lesbian vampires. And in the middle is Mary Magnum in that tight little red leather number. Fetching. Making Jesus an action hero is dangerous business, especially since a lot of religious folk don't have much of a sense of humor. But I'm not sure Christians would be too appalled with the character Himself since I don't think He does anything Jesus wouldn't have done like Scorsese had Him doing in The Last Temptation of Christ. Unless bad puns are offensive. In fact, even though the title hero is your typical overblown action hero, he is the hero. He fights evil, and he quotes scripture. What's likely more blasphemous is the use of Santo. El Santo in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter can't wrestle and is portly. When watching this movie, your first thought (other than "This is blasphemous!") would probably be, "I think this might have been made on the cheap." And you'd be right. Your third thought would probably be, "This was made in 2001? No way! It's got to be from the 70s!" But there's a charm to the proceedings, and the script, littered with (intentionally?) bad punnage and silly action hero banter, is funny enough. I found myself laughing more than I really wanted to. For whatever reason, hearing Jesus deliver the line "I'll need to buy some wood. . .for stakes!" was hilarious. I also thought the spinning crucifix used as a Batman-esque transition between scenes was clever. I also liked a scene where about three hundred baddies get out of an SUV. Not all the comedy worked though, evidenced by a scene where Jesus has a conversation with a bowl of cherries. The bowl of cherries actually tells him to find El Santo. I can't decide if seeing Jesus and a priest hanging out at a Hooters-type restaurant is funny or not. There's a lot of kung-fu in this movie, and it won't exactly make you think of Bruce Lee. The fight scenes often seemed endless, and if the guy who played Jesus (Phil Caracas [Wait a second! Isn't the guy who plays Jesus in the Mel Gibson movie named Caracas?]) had any martial arts training, they wasted their obviously limited funds on it. There is a scene where a character uses intestines as a weapon though. I should have started making a list of those movies a long time ago. This is also a musical, and although the songs were only slightly more tolerable than Repo: The Genetic Opera's numbers, there at least was some eclecticism. You had punk, techno-robot-lounge, keyboard blipping, 80s feel-good movie rock, Mexicali funk, cheesy lounge, neo-funk with vocoder, dance music, retarded jazz, and my personal favorite--a really creepy song where somebody whispered the books of the New Testament with cymbal accompaniment. The performers were likely friends of the director, some of them, I think, appearing as more than one character, but three of them were real stand-outs. Josh Grace was deliriously over-the-top as Dr. Praetorious. I checked his resume, and he's been in a few of JCVH director's Lee Demarbre's movies including one where Demarbre includes another Mexican movie legend--The Aztec Mummy. I can't find the name of a screaming woman, but it was one of the best screams I've heard in a long time. But the very best part of the movie is the introduction and musical performance of Blind Jimmy Leper played by an actor named "Lucky Ron" who had about as many teeth as Shane McGowen. He does this scatting number which could probably prove the existence of God to even the most diehard of atheists. Jesus jumped on the stage and did his own scatting, but he couldn't beat the work of Blind Jimmy Leper. And when you're Lucky Ron and can prove in your lone movie that you can out-scat Christ Himself, you don't have to do anything else as a performer to win a lifetime achievement award on shane-movies.

Note: I've heard that there's an Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter movie being made. Joaquin Phoenix is attached to that project. I guess his career is doing just fine!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2010 rom-com fantasy mayhem

Rating: 15/20

Plot: 22-year-old Pilgrim's on the rebound after being dumped by his girlfriend. He spends his time playing with his band, Sex Bob-ombs (Mario reference), and hanging out with his high school girlfriend, Knives. They've even held hands. One night and falls for Ramona. Things are going well as they start dating, but soon, her evil ex-boyfriends start appearing out of nowhere to battle Scott, Mortal Kombat style!

I'm not a gamer although I have spent considerable amounts of time with a joystick, and yes, I'm aware there's a double meaning there. I'm not a comic book guy, and I probably wouldn't have known this was based on graphic novels if not for Kairow. Romantic-comedy ain't my genre, and over-the-top action movies annoy me. I really doubt, since I'm fastly approaching elderly, that I'm anywhere near the right demographic. Scott Pilgrim is a loud, often repetitive assault on the senses, a barrage of wackiness and fantastical mischief. But you know what? It's a hell of a lot of fun! It's a fervent and fresh approach to your old boy-meets-girl story, managing to have a style of its own despite plagiarizing from everything from the Batman t.v. show to Donkey Kong. It's a potpourri of pop-culture regurgitations, spewing technicolor from the television screen right in my lap, but I didn't mind a bit. The pace is rapid, and the jokes come a mile a minute. Not all of them connect (more than a few probably because I'm twice as old as Michael Cera) but it's stuffed full with so many of them that the fpm (funny per minute) is still impressive. Speaking of Michael Cera, an actor young enough to be my son, he plays the same character he always plays but with bushier hair. I still like that character, but I wonder what's going to happen to this kid's career when he hits puberty. Creative, energetic and, if not especially meaningful, lots and lots of fun. I would definitely see it again.

Beck (the American Cornelius) and Cornelius (the Japanese Beck) did songs for this.

The Five Deadly Venoms

1978 kung-fu movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A kung-fu master laments that his former pupils of the Poison Clan have all gone bad. What do you expect when you call yourself Poison Clan though? He sends his last pupil out to find and dispose of them. Unfortunately, they're anonymous and all have unique powers. The student ventures out to find the Centipede, Snake, Lizard, Scorpion, and Toad.

A classic according to most kung-fu aficionados, this is known more for its rich, serpentine story rather than its kick-em-up thrills. When there's action, it's fun. The animal styles give you a lot of variety, and the fighting's frantically and creative. I like the characters, especially in an awesome prelude that describes their special powers--lightning quickness that makes it appear as if there are a hundred hands and feet, snake-like agility, wall climbing, invincibility, and whatever the scorpion does--but I just think there could have been so much more done with them. Still, it's a cool kung-fu flick that most fans of the genre will appreciate, and the story's solid enough to make it worth revisiting.

The Man with the Golden Gun

1974 James Bond movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: 007 finds out that the titular man wants to kill him with the titular gun and globetrots to find the assassin before the assassin finds him so that he can go back to saving the world or whatever it is he does.

Bitchin' 70s funk here! Within minutes, you've got Herve Villechaize, the appearance of a third nipple, fake skeletons, an old-timey shooting range, chaos in a house of mirrors, and wax figure finger target practice. Then, the theme song to end all theme songs! "One golden shot means another poor victim has come to a glittering end. For a price, he'll erase anyone. The man with the golden gun!" All behind the visual of women's dancing silhouettes against a background of fireworks! Shipoopi! Just when you think the movie has to slow down and take a breath, you're treated to details of a circus-born assassin, bellydancing, swallowed bullets, gun fondling, kung-fu hijinks, an attack with a watermelon, faux nipples, sumo wedgies, threats with a trident, something called a Solex Agitator or something, a car chase, a boat chase, another car chase, a racist Cajun, elephant molestation, a car-plane, a sun gun, a stunt that out-Dukes the Duke Boys with slide whistle accompaniment, a conceited Christopher Lee, explosions, more than a few bad puns, and a lot more Herve Villechaize. This is nutty stuff, but you've got a great bad guy doing his damage with a cigarette case, a lighter, and a fountain pen, and an intriguing plot stuffed with too many twists and turns for the average slide whistler to be able to keep up with. I'm far from a James Bond aficionado, but I really like the tongue-in-cheek approach this one has. It's nutty but not afraid to be nutty. It leaps on a kung-fu bandwagon unapologetically. It's got lines like Christopher Lee's "Look behind you. . .lower" which, in context, is as funny as anything I've heard in any comedies I've recently seen. It's got exotic locales, improbable action sequences galore, and beautiful women. And Herve Villechaize, sometimes shirtless! What more could a warm-blooded man want?

The Magic Blade

1976 kung-fu movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Yen Nan-Fei arrives to battle master swordsman Fu Hung-Hsieh to settle a dispute over who is the better sword fighter. While they're fighting, they are attacked by professional assassins. They decide to have lunch instead and are attacked by more assassins. They have to work together, procure some exploding Peacock Darts, and figure out who's behind the plot to get rid of them.

Everybody was kung-fu fightin' in this one from the first minute to the last. And these cats, with their assortment of swords and other cool weapons (fans, Peacock Darts, explosives, a loaf of bread), are fast as lightnin'. The sword play, as good as you'd expect from a Shaw Brothers production, is seasoned with just the right amount of fantasy elements. You get impossible acrobatics, swords that can cut the branches off tree from a distance, doors and windows that close with the wave of magical hands. It's over the top, but it's never over over the top. The main character (Fu Hung) is a typical kung-fu action hero but there's a sprinkling of Clint Eastwood and Sherlock Holmes in him that gives him some depth. The antagonists are also interesting, mystical and mysterious, and the fight scenes are ingeniously fast and furious. I especially liked the cannibalistic and acrobatic Devil's Granny and the guy who made the good guys play Chinese chess. The Magic Blade has a story that only gets complicated at the very end, and I imagine its wall-to-wall action scenes would please aficionados of kung-fu fantasy flicks.

Breaker! Breaker!

1977 truckdriver kung-fu movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Chuck Norris, truckdrivin' tough guy, puts his ears on and gets word that his brother is lost in Texas City, California, a town run by a corrupt judge. Chuck, his roundhouse kick, a yellow t-shirt, and a tacky blue van with a giant eagle painted on the side go looking for him. Unfortunately for the citizens of Texas City, California, they're not smart enough to realize that the best way to get rid of Chuck Norris is just to shoot him.

Seriously, I'm with the Judge Trimmings (that's his name) on this one. "He was unarmed." When an action hero gets by on ingenuity, resourcefulness, or something else, I can accept it. But when he's walking out in the open in broad daylight, and the bad guys can't figure out a way to kill him, there's a problem. And speaking of Judge Trimmings (that's his name), what a character you've got here. George Murdock plays the character like he's in a Shakespearean production. He's Acting with a capital A. His lines clash incongruously with everybody else's in Texas City, California, things like "I'm gonna stick ya! I'm gonna stick ya!" repeated by a guy with a pitchfork and another hick whining, "The guy's a bad dude!" Texas City and its occupants reminded me a bit of the locale and characters in Deliverance, so imagine Hamlet replying to "Squeal like a pig!" This doesn't seem like an authentic representation of the profession of truck driving. At the end (SPOILER ALERT!), a bunch of unseen truckers, including one named Mudflapper, come to the rescue after easily locating this dump town (Texas City, California) sans modern technology and crash into buildings in their manic search for Chuck, all while taking turns crackin' wise on their CB's. Their CB banter sounded like the type of thing that was improvised, possibly by some of the dumbest people on earth. At one point, a trucker (maybe Mudflapper) says, "I haven't had this much fun since I broke my shoulder." I had to rewind that to make sure I heard it correctly. Without context (did I miss a prequel to this?), that makes no sense. This also has one of the most terrible musical montages I've seen in a long time with this insipid pop song accompanying scenes of Chuck Norris and Arlene just standing in various places. And there's a stutterer with a stutter that, just like the representation of truck driving, doesn't seem like an accurate representation of stuttering. Chuck Norris says, "I had a brother but I lost him," to him. There's also a wonderfully poignant moment when the stuttering character says, "I'm-I-I-I-I'mma, I-I'm m-m-m-m-m-ma-ma-m-mad at y-y-y-you," leading to one of the bad guys, the stutterer's brother, doing a little soul searching. Oh, and there's a scene where the stuttering guy makes love to a stuffed lion in a barn. But you can't talk about a Chuck Norris movie without discussing the fight scenes. They're nearly nonstop, but they aren't entertaining at all. I couldn't understand why a kick to the abdomen seems to finish off anybody. Maybe that's because Chuck Norris was the fight coordinator for Breaker! Breaker! I've never been roundhouse-kicked in the stomach by Chuck Norris though, so I'm not exactly an expert. I do know that if I was to remake this movie, I'd have anybody who is roundhouse-kicked in the stomach to violently explode in a CGI fireball. That would totally rule and oddly wouldn't really affect the believability of Breaker! Breaker! It all builds to a climactic fight scene where the hero, right after he's been shot, survives having hay and a tire hurled at him, fights off a man attacking him with a hook and later a bottle, and ends up killing the guy with a roundhouse kick to the abdomen. All while a horse watches!

Special note: Jack Nance followed his award-worthy performance in Eraserhead with a performance as a truck driver in this one. Maybe that's why Cory recommended it to me.

This trucker movie was recommended by Cory!

Ninja Assassin

2009 ode to stabbing

Rating: 9/20 (Mark: 6/20; Amy: 6 or 7/20)

Plot: Jack at the video store told us that there wasn't one. There was one, but it really didn't matter.

I don't know what the Wachowskis had to do with this, but somebody needs to stop them. If you look up "stylized violence" in the dictionary, you'll have a description of this movie. There's blood flying all over the place, mostly startlingly contrasting to a swampy darkness on the rest of the screen, probably to hide any lack of real kung-fu skills. I correctly predicted that there would be a decapitation within the first five minutes of the movie. My brother said that characters were losing more blood than people actually have in their bodies. I had to wring my shirt dry when the movie finally ended. I'm not saying that this much violence is necessarily a bad thing, but that's all this movie has going for it. There are some gorgeously brutal moments, some fine but ultimately repetitive action sequences, and some more brutally gorgeous moments. But that's it. You won't care about the characters, you'll stop worrying about what's going on, and you'll slap your forehead as things get more and more preposterous. It's all just a bunch of showing off, lots of "Look at what my computer can do!" moments, and I think any real ninja watching this movie would be offended. Lots of laughable dialogue, laughable bad acting, and laughable action scenes, most memorably a scene when ninjas are running against the highway. I looked this movie up and discovered that the Wachowskis didn't care much for the original script, and writer J. Michael Straczynski apparently finished his rewrite in just fifty-three hours. It shows. I did pick out a Wilhelm scream when a ninja is blown off a roof with a rocket launcher. Yeah. That's the type of movie this is. It's the type of movie the Academy usually loves, the type where you can watch ninjas being blown off roofs with rocket launchers. The problem isn't that it's impossible to take any of this nonsense seriously. The problem is that this nonsense takes itself way too seriously.