He Was a Quiet Man

2007 garbage

Rating: 3/20

Plot: A disgruntled, bullied office worker named Bob, egged on by his talking goldfish, tries to muster up the courage to shoot five of his co-workers and himself. Another co-worker beats him to the trigger, however, and when Bob manages to shoot him and save a life, he becomes a hero. Jack Bauer's daughter is somehow involved.

This is the type of movie where during the end credits, you realize just how much it disagreed with you and begin vomiting up the movie so that you have He Was a Quiet Man all over the floor, walls, and even the ceiling. Projectile. So not only did I have to go to all the trouble of taking this dvd out of a case, putting it in the player, hitting a button, and spending ninety minutes with this terrible piece of crap, but now I have to clean little wet chunks of Christian Slater, William H. Macy, and Elisha Cuthbert up. And William H. Macy stains! I'll probably have to repaint the entire bedroom now. And, like Pavlov's dog, I probably won't be able to walk into my bedroom without thinking of Christian Slater yelling, "I am not a spoon!" and get nauseous again. That's right. Because of He Was a Quiet Man, I will no longer be able to enjoy sexual intercourse in my bedroom. Let's look at the sins of this movie. It's got some of the worst acting I've seen in a long time. Christian Slater just sucks anyway, but at least he's not channeling Jack Nicholson in this one. This has to be the worst that William H. Macy has ever been. There's a guy who's made some solid career choices. I don't recognize any other names on the cast list and I'm trying to forget character names, but this is just stuffed with bad actors playing predictable and/or unbelievable characters. This has some really gimmicky effects (sped-up vehicles, talking fish) including the worst CGI in the history of cinema. It's a scene where Bob is imagining blowing up the building he works, and the computer effect is so bad that it really could have been "animated" using Microsoft Paint without much difference. You wouldn't believe how bad it is. There's some cheesy songs, including some written and performed by director Frank Cappello. Cappello wrote Suburban Commando (starring Hulk Hogan) and Constantine, a movie recently written about on reader Kairow's comic book movie blog. Throw in a lame montage, a goofball sexual scene with Slater and a quadriplegic, dialogue that Ed Wood probably would refuse to take credit for writing, and a twist that I'm not even sure was a twist and you've got yourself a film-school project gone embarrassingly wrong. Black comedy, Lynchian nightmare fantasy, straight drama? I don't know what the hell this is, and I really hope nobody reminds me that it exists within an hour after I've eaten.