Dead Alive

1992 zombie funk

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A nuts monkey captured on Skull Island (probably not that Skull Island) winds up in a zoo where it bites a woman and turns her into a zombie. Her son, poor Lionel, has to take care of her while trying to nurture a new relationship with the gal who works at the market. It doesn't get any easier for Lionel as his mom begins to infect other people.

Peter Jackson's best movie? None of those Hobbit movies or the King Kong remake even had a guy using a lawnmower as a weapon. Discuss in the comments below.

If this had been around for me to see in high school, it probably would have been my favorite movie, something I could watch back-to-back with Evil Dead II whenever I needed to fulfill my splatter-comedy needs. This is definitely splattabulous, splatrageous, and splatterific, a lot bloodier than anything Raimi will ever do. It pushes the envelope and then pushes it more, pushing it so that it goes all the way through some guy's skull so that his brains and blood stain the walls. Does it straddle the line between violence and humor? No. It sort of stomps all over the line until the blood and laughs fuse together into this scrambled mess of joke-telling bowels and slapstick viscera. I felt completely silly doing it, but I laughed out loud so much as I watched this in the wee hours while lying in bed that I woke up my poor wife a few times. And I'll admit that it didn't feel right to answer her "What's so funny?" with "Oh, this character is throwing around this zombie baby!" or "Intestines are chasing a guy around his house!" The amount of gore in this thing has to be seen to be believed, and just when I think I've seen a zombie die in the most bizarre or creative way possible, Jackson gives me something even more ridiculous to see. A mind that conceives some of the imagery in this has to be a deranged one. Dead Alive (or Braindead elsewhere) has nothing at all to say about society. It makes no grand statements and really doesn't even tell its story all that well. But from the appearance of the stop-motion (?) monkey to the thrilling and sloppy climax, this doesn't let up, assaulting the senses with the most creative gore you're likely to see and some sick, sick laughs. Recommended to film lovers who haven't grown up yet or anybody who wants to see what Peter Jackson was up to before he started filming endless scenes of Hobbits and elves walking around.

The Curious Dr. Hummp

1969 raunchy sci-fi horror B-movie

Rating: 7/20

Plot: A crazy scientist, under the direction of something that sort of resembles a brain that is kept in a glass jar, sends ghoulish thugs out to kidnap people having sex. Then, using some rock-solid science, he's able to use their orgasms to prolong his life or something. Reporter George and stripper Rachel, with the help of a scorned nurse, try to escape before they have to have sex in the presence of a zombie guy with a ukulele.

At one point, Dr. Hummp, a guy with a superfluous M in his name, says that he wants to create "veritable screwing machines." Sure, Dr. Hummp is using others to benefit himself and make the brain-in-a-jar happy. He's selfish and, with that whole using zombies to kidnap people thing, probably evil. Say what you want about evil and selfish scientists, but would being kidnapped and forced to have sex all the time be all that bad? I'm not sure these people have much to complain about. Honestly, I wouldn't mind being a veritable screwing machine myself. This is no-budget, poorly written and even more poorly dubbed, and exploitative. You can almost imagine the producers watching an early cut and having this conversation:

"Oh, man. Our movie sucks and is way too short."

"Yeah, I thought the monster guys would look more menacing. They just kind of stand around or approach their victims very slowly."

"I'm not really sure this plot makes any sense, fellas."

"Well, it's back to the drawing board. We can't release a forty-two minute movie. Especially one that nobody would want to watch five minutes of."

"I've got a way we can fix both problems--the short time and the suckiness."

"Oh yeah? How's that?"

"Let's add forty-five minutes of nudity!"

"That's a brilliant idea!"

The naked starts early and never really goes away. You get a lengthy depravity montage featuring strippers, lesbians, heterosexual couples, a woman pleasuring herself, and a guy in a striped shirt who was probably supposed to be a homosexual, all who unfortunately are about to be pervknapped by a slow-footed goon with a chloroform-drenched napkin. Then, you get a little plot. It's not enough to distract from all the naked people, of course, but it's enough so that the back of the dvd box can say something other than "There's a mad scientist doing some stuff and a lot of naked people!" Don't let the image of the top goon holding a ukulele below fool you into thinking this is one of those B-movies that's actually good. Yeah, that's a pretty awesome shot, and there's another scene where the goon plays his instrument, but this is not a movie that is worth seeking out.

And I'm adding "veritable screwing machine" to my resume.

Heavy Metal

1981 science fiction cartoon

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A space sphere of throbbing green light disintegrates an astronaut and then tells his daughter a few stories. It rocks pretty hard!

I'm not the audience for this. A white suburban teenager who is angry with his parents for no real reason and who can't wait to bust out of his pants, a guy with a goat's head in his closet and a bunch of missing socks--he's the audience. This is an episodic collection of animated sci-fi shenanigans, definitely a hit 'n' miss affair, but at least half of them contain the imagery you'd expect to see in a fantasy geek's wettest dream. All the cartoon women are gifted mammararily and plot developments give plenty of excuses to allow the nipples to make appearances. There's even a scene with robot-on-human sex if you're into that sort of thing. I know you are which is why I'm mentioning it. I'm not a fan of the music although it was good to hear Devo and even see a really cool alien depiction of them. I liked the weird-looking creatures that inhabited these stories, almost like cast-offs from the Mos Eisley cantina, and I really liked the opening shots of an astronaut driving his hot rod home after a hard day's work. Air Force zombies, a Hulkish figure with the great name of Hanover Fiste, a bit of sci-fi noir with ugly animation to match an ugly Robert Crumb-esque New York, and chunks of the otherwise-dull climactic story featured on the above poster are high points. The stories are animated in slightly different styles which gives it some variety, but after a while, enough's enough. You get frustrated that it doesn't make a lot of sense, and you don't even care about seeing any more animated nudity because you've already shot your wad. So to speak. There's enough here to make a teenage boy say the word badass multiple times by whatever the middle schooler equivalent of a water cooler, so I guess you almost have to look at it as a success.

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead

2004 kung-fu zombie movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Something about the star of Kill Bill and a pair of sidekicks fighting evil and giving the dead proper burials. It involves voodoo papers. His brother's turned evil and fights against him every step of the way. There are hopping zombies all over the place, too.

First off, I want to find the guy who played Buck (Michael Bowen) in Kill Bill Volume 1 and put him in the kung-fu sequel to The Diary of Anne Frank that I plan on writing and directing some day. That way I'll be able to put "From the star of Kill Bill 1" on the top of my dvd box and make a little extra cash despite having dialogue as bad as the dialogue in this movie:

Master: Take a piss!

Kid: What? Now?

Other Kid: You heard the master. Do it.

Kid: [Pisses]

Other Kid: Master, why did you tell him to take a piss?

Master: I need virgin's pee.

See, sometimes it's poor translating combined with poor dubbing that makes it all sound much worse than it actually is, but I'm not sure that's the case here. Maybe with the later "Where do you come from, devil? How dare you invade my little brother?" is the result of the translation/dubbing combo though. This whole thing's a lot of nonsense. Why do the zombies hop? What's with the ad nauseum chanting? Why's that kid keep slamming his groin into a wall? Does a suddenly materializing Mike Tyson tattoo really give a person special powers? Why so many references to whizzing? What the hell are voodoo papers? There are a few moments when this movie almost looks good, but for the most part, it's one of those modern kung-fu flicks injected with some horror that isn't very scary and some humor that doesn't fit at all. The special effects are the scariest part of this, a kind of CGI nightmare. The Shaolin vs. Evil Dead story isn't even completed in this movie which is really frustrating. Clips during the credits promise a sequel, and it looks like they've found a way to make the special effects even uglier. I have no interest in sitting through the sequel to figure out what the hell this one was about.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?

1964 "monster musical"

Rating: 3/20 (Dylan: 2/20)

Plot: Jerry takes his girlfriend and his buddy to an amusement park so that they can run around like teenagers in the 1950s used to. While there, Jerry is seduced by a stripper and hypnotized by a murderous prognosticator which I guess makes him a Mixed-Up Zombie. Or an Incredibly Strange Creature. Whatever he turns into, it understandably messes up his love life.

According to the poster, this is starring an actor named Cash Flagg, but don't be fooled. Cash Flagg is Ray Dennis Steckler, a guy who apparently wanted to prove with one movie that he could neither act or direct. It's famously bad, known for its ridiculously long title (although Roger Corman's 1957 The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent beats it) and for being cinema's first "monster musical," a genre that in hindsight is likely unncecessary. About half of the movie consists of these excruciating song and dance numbers. They were bizarre and badly performed and succeeded only in making me feel like a Mixed-Up Zombie who wanted to stop living. The poster also advertises that it was filmed in Terrorama which must be a euphemism for "We only had a budget of a hundred bucks." Actually, I found through my research (that's right; I research) that the budget for this was 38,000, money apparently used unwisely. Steckler also used a nifty trick he called Hallucinogenic Hypnovision which involved people in masks running around the theater scaring the audience. Another interesting bit of trivia: the producers of Dr. Strangelove were annoyed at the original title of this film (The Incredibly Strange Creature: Or, Why I Stopped Living and Became a Mixed-Up Zombie) and threatened lawsuit. Anywho, the movie, one that might inspire a person to use words like anywho. It's got an unscripted quality, probably because Steckler was the type of director who didn't use scripts. Scripts? Who needs 'em!? Steckler also apparently utilizes a special filming technique called Nausea Cam, most naturally during scenes on a roller coaster and almost naturally during some of the dancing scenes but not naturally at all when the actors are just standing there having a conversation. The actors look nauseated themselves a lot of the time. My favorite character in this mess is Ortega, the fortune teller's assistant. I think he might be one of the titular strange creatures. He might have been just a clown or a hobo though. My favorite performance, however, was Atlas King (another pseudonym?) as Jerry's friend Harold. Atlas is only in one other film, another Steckler masterpiece released the same year. I'm sure bad sound contributed, but I couldn't understand a word the guy said, something that surprisingly didn't really make the movie any more difficult to understand. And the bad sound didn't make the other actors unintelligible. Dylan watched this with me as a punishment and took his own notes. He gave me his notes, so if you don't believe me that this film is a must-see, maybe you'll trust him: muffled/undiscernable voices, dark and blurry and hard to see, really bad music, really bad dancing, camera angles--what's with that under-the-car shot?, disembodied voices, day/night continuity errors, random and irrelevent shots, long boring songs that don't advance the plot, no incredibly strange creatures in the movie. See? It's exactly what lovers of bad cinema look for in a movie!

Note: Ray Dennis Steckler directed Rat Pfink A Boo Boo, a movie that I have been wanting to see for twenty-two years.

You can watch this on Hulu or, with the Mystery Science Theater robots, on Netflix.

I Walked with a Zombie

1943 voodoo drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Nurse Betsy takes a job on a plantation in the Caribbean. The plantation owner's wife is in a sort of walking coma (you know, like a zombie), and Betsy decides to try to cure her. After some failed efforts, she begins to wonder if voodoo is the answer. Meanwhile, she begins to fall in love with the husband.

I'd wanted to see this a while back because of the Roky Erickson song of the same name. Since this has unofficially become Jacques Tourneur month, it seemed like the perfect time to finally check it out. It's a concise nearly-thrill-free thriller, low budget and maybe not as stylish as the other two Tourneur movies I've seen recently, but it does have a few nice scenes. There's a fine moody scene involving a shadowy staircase with the a woman in a black nightgown pursued by a predator in a white dress that's really nice, and there's an atmospheric romp through a field. Some voodoo nuttiness jazzed up things, and I really liked the freaky-eyed guy on the cover, the character who was the most zombified although the titular zombie was actually somebody else. The early depiction of a strange and exotic culture is a bonus. However, a warning: If you're looking for a good zombie movie, this one would likely disappoint.

Night of the Living Dead

1968 zombie movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A Christmas celebration has never gone so horribly wrong as a lot of uninvited guests, including a black man, crash the party. When the food runs out, the black man starts a riot, breaking furniture and setting the guests on fire. Eventually, cannibalism ensues, and the riot squad is summoned to break things up. This upsets the left wing, and Al Sharpton raises a big stink. Somebody give these people some Little Debbie Zebra Cakes or something!

There's nothing I dig more in movies than no-budget style. This is far from perfect storytelling, but the imagery, from its radical camera angles to haunting lighting and bleakly grainy black and white settings, manages to shock over thirty years after its release. The film's style lends a realism that makes this an uneasy experience, even when you're sitting next to a Christmas tree or are wearing Bedazzlered pants while holding a popsicle. There's a tiny bit of dragging in the middle, but for the most part, this is an evenly paced and completely engaging. A lot of the soundtrack, by the way, is the same music used in Teenagers from Outer Space, a movie that probably isn't as influential but nonetheless entertaining.

Re-Animator

1985 horror-comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Medical student Dan's new roommate seems a little strange, and after a few weeks, he confirms that he's strange when he kills and re-animates a cat. You know, because he's the titular re-animator. Herbert West ropes Dan and his girlfriend into his devilish experiments, and then things get really bloody. Really really bloody.

This one doesn't completely succeed (like an Evil Dead or Dawn of the Dead) because it's much, much gorier than it is funny. Don't get me wrong. The superfluous blood and guts (second film in a row that involves some form of intestine strangulation, talking severed heads, limbs a-go-go) is enough to make you giggle. The makers of this had to have a bottomless bucket of fake blood, and they weren't afraid to use it. But the jokes are either dated or were just never funny, too often reaching for the sick and raunchy instead of the clever. H.P. Lovecraft's story is fine, and at times, it's thrown on the screen in some very creative ways with some cutesy camera work and gruesome special effects that makes this worth seeing, especially if you've ever wondered what the inside of a person looks like. But I just wish it had that little extra something. Special note: Whoever was in charge of sound effects for this movie sure must have had a good time. Lots of amplified squishing and crunching in this one.

Tokyo Zombie

2005 zombie comedy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Two knuckleheads who spend their work hours practicing jujitsu instead of actually working accidentally kill their boss and bury his body on Black Fuji, a giant mountain of trash and other buried murder victims. I'm not sure why exactly, but the dead on the trash mountain start coming to life and biting people. The two knuckleheads try their best to survive the zombie epidemic.

OK, Tokyo Zombie. You got me! I told myself a few weeks ago that I was done with zombie comedy movies, but you told me, "Hey now, Shane. Give me a chance. I'm from Japan." I said, "I don't know, Tokyo Zombie. I think the world just has too many zombie comedies, and I've got better things to watch." But Tokyo Zombie said, "Japan, Shane. Japan! You like Japan. I'm quirky. My comedy's dark. I'm hilarious!" I said, "Oh, I just don't know." Tokyo Zombie persisted, and I finally gave it a chance. Fooled! Other than getting to see the Japanese Rick Moranis and a twenty minute scene involving a guy ripping the head off a Howdy Doody toy, there was nothing to see here. Stylistically, it reminded me a little of Shaolin Soccer without all the cartoony special effects. The humor was dumb, lowbrow, and, worst of all, predictable. Tokyo Zombie and I won't be speaking to each other any more.