Summer of Nicolas Cage Movie #5: Drive Angry

2011 3D mayhem!

Rating: 6/20

Plot: John Milton (oh, geez) is angry as he drives in search of some devil worshippers who killed his daughter and are about to sacrifice his granddaughter. Oh, and he escaped from Hell. That might be a spoiler. Sorry about that. Milton meets a waitress, kills her fiance with an air conditioner, and takes her along on the trip. Meanwhile, a mysterious man known as The Accountant pursues Milton while he pursues the devil worshippers. Cue "Yakety Sax"!

There's a muffin reference in this one.

This movie assaulted me--throwing slow-motion bullets, coins, flying cars, baseball bats, severed fingers, pieces of glass, blood, and whatever else its makers could find into my living room. Because you see, just having all hell breaking lose is fine, but it's really nothing compared to having all hell break lose in 3D! I mean, did I enjoy watching William Fichtner of Prison Break walking toward me? Sure, but when I imagine what I missed by not seeing him walk toward me in 3D, it makes me. . .well, angry. And then it makes me want to drive. Angry. By the way, should I penalize this movie for having a grammar error in the title? It should be Drive Angrily. This is the type of movie that doesn't care about that though, the type that if you tried to correct its grammar would get all in your grill and say, "What are you? A fucking English teacher or something?" It's also the type of movie that would probably pick fights with other movies. "You think you're bad ass or something, Real Steel? Watch me throw a car over the side of this bridge! Woooooooooo!" I swear to God that I'm not making this up, but Drive Angry actually threw a punch at me while I was watching. Luckily, I had just bent down to grab an ink pen that I had dropped, and the punch didn't connect. It would have hurt, too, because Drive Angry's fist was all on fire and made of iron. My whole face would have probably exploded! Just the soundtrack of this movie could probably kick your ass. "Raise a Little Hell," a classic played during an opening scene where Nicolas Cage's character shoots a guy's hand off (right into your lap thanks to 3D technology) while things explode and "Fuck the Pain Away," another aggressive song that's played minutes before a scene where a guy punches a naked woman. I need to buy the soundtrack because it would be perfect for times when I need to drive angrily. Or as William Fichtner describes Nicolas Cage: "Angry with attitude." Fichtner's easily the best thing about this movie, by the way. His character doesn't make a lot of sense, but he's kind of cool, and Fichtner understands that he's playing a comic character. The guy who plays the leader of the Satan worshippers (Billy Burke, apparently taking a break from those teenage vampire movies) is really awful. He's got an unidentifiable accent and looks like he's auditioning for a David Copperfield biopic or something. And our hero, Nicolas Cage? Well, this isn't his best performance, and I'm surprised his skull wasn't on fire in this movie. For the most part, he looks exactly like he does on the poster up there--angry. I did like his aggressive-kiss-coffee-drink move though, and there's a great scene in a hotel room where he simultaneously smokes a cigar, drinks whiskey from the bottle, has sexual intercourse, and kills a bunch of Satan worshippers who are attacking him with garden utensils. In case I wasn't clear--that's all happening at the same time. I imagine it's pretty close to Nicolas Cage's honeymoon actually.

My favorite Cage line: "It's still in there. The bullet. I can feel it."

Back to the 3D thing. The ways the makers of Drive Angry try to take advantage of the technology is laughable. The CGI in this movie is some of the worst I have ever seen, and I wonder if it wouldn't look as bad in a theater with the 3D glasses. It wouldn't have come close to saving this movie though. But the next time I have an opportunity to see a Nicolas Cage movie in 3D, I'm watching it with aviator goggles.

Devil

2010 Night chronicle

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Right after a man jumps to his death from a window far above the van he lands on, a black guy, a white guy, an old woman, a younger woman, and a mattress salesman enter an elevator in building 333. The elevator malfunctions, apparently because it's possessed by the devil. Devil! A detective and the audience try to figure out what the hell is going on.

As soon as the words "The Night Chronicles" popped onto the screen, I had mixed feelings of glee and disappointment. On the one hand, this wasn't an actual M. Night Shyamalanadingdong movie, so it was unlikely that the level of comedy would meet my expectations after watching his brilliant comedy The Happening. On the other hand, M. Night now apparently thinks he's become the next Alfred Hitchcock and there's going to be a whole bunch of this crap, and some of it's going to be really bad. Devil isn't a complete disaster. In fact, the premise is sort of cool, and in the hands of a better writer, one without so many A's in his last name maybe, this might have ended up fairly good. As the film begins, you get these upside-down aerial shots of a city, and I was thinking, "Oh, my God. Shyamalan couldn't even find a director who knows how to properly hold a camera!" Once the detective comes along to solve the mystery of the falling man, things get ridiculous. And that's at the beginnning of the movie, so I guess things get ridiculous fairly quickly. The detective has trouble finding the broken window because of a moving truck or something, and it made me wonder if he was the right man for this or any job. It's just like when you hear the characters in this (especially the mattress salesman) interact with each other? It made me wonder if the writer, the director, and the actors and actresses were the right men and women for the jobs. I really wondered if anybody involved in the production of Devil has ever heard actual human interaction before. My favorite bit of dialogue is the bit about toast falling "jelly-side down" or whatever. Seriously, who wrote this garbage? So is Devil watching despite its many sins? Overall, no. It's too gimmicky and too silly to really enjoy. Or maybe I'm completely wrong and it's the gimmicks and the silliness that make it enjoyable. Who knows? All I do know is that I'll never look at devil-possessed elevators the same way again. In fact, next time I'm in an elevator with other people, I'm just going to go ahead and kill everybody just to be on the safe side. It might just save my life, and I'll have M. Night Shyamalan to thank for that.

Awakening of the Beast

1970 didactic drug movie

Rating: 20/20 (See: Coffin Joe Movies Get a 20 or He'll Eat Your Face Off Rule)

Plot: Psychologists test the effects of hallucinogenics by monitoring volunteers. Coffin Joe invades their lobes and chaos ensues.

What I learned from this movie because Coffin Joe taught it to me and if I even suggest that he's wrong, I'll end up having my face eaten off: Coffin Joe's world is strange and made up of strange people, but none are more strange than me. That's how he introduced this delightfully messy movie.

I promise this is the last Coffin Joe movie I'll review because I don't know where I'm going to find any more of them. This is the one that halted his career, banned for twenty years, probably because it's perverted and subversive. Also known as Ritual of the Maniacs (I would have guessed Ritual of the Sadists from both the content and the Portuguese on the gruesome poster above), this is sort of like a Brazilian Reefer Madness as directed by somebody really evil. It's almost like a collection of cinematic short stories, each one a sort of cautionary tale about what might happen if you take LSD. In the opener, some creepy men picture a gal naked while a little record player plays a song about war. Then the girl starts stripping and they all watch before unwrapping a chamber pot. They all laugh, and the record reaches its scratchy conclusion.

In the next scene, a pretty girl is taken to an apartment. There's a guy suspended from the ceiling, a guy playing drums (not quite as manic as the piano guy in Reefer Madness), a guitarist lying on the floor, some guys who burst into song. She sees a guy smoking something; another guy starts stripping. Everybody starts snapping at her like they're all beatniks or extras in West Side Story before somebody asks, "Dig it, baby?" She craws through a window and stands with her legs apart on a table while the men take turns putting their heads up her skirt. They circle around her while holding up a finger and first chanting but later whistling "Colonel Bogey March" from Bridge on the River Kwai. They take turns, well, poking her before Jesus walks in and violates her with a long staff. That's what drugs can do to you, kids.

The third scene is much simpler--a guy watches three women remove their brassieres. He smells them, of course. They bend over and he kicks them.

One fantastic mini-story involves a well-to-do woman setting it up so that her black butler and her daughter (I think) get it on. She watches from a hiding spot while snorting cocaine and fiercely petting a pony.

And there's a scene I'm surprised isn't really famous, one that involves the washing of undergarments and a guy with an absurdly bulbous phallic jug.

A lot of the more gruesome scenes near the end, the ones that involve sadism and cannibalism and Marins' Boschian idea of Hell, are a lot of the more memorable scenes in the incoherent compilation Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind. One would guess that they'd make more sense in context, but they really don't. And that's the beauty of Marins and this misogynist acid trip or filthy nightmare or whatever you want to call it. Did I dig it, baby? Yes, I did, Coffin Joe! Yes, I did.

Devil Doll

1964 evil ventriloquist movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Loosely based on the life of Edgar Bergen, this one's about The Great Vorelli, a stage hypnotist and ventriloquist with a dummy capable of leaving the lap and walking around before saying one-liners like "Who are you calling a dummy, dummy?" or "Morning wood? It's morning, afternoon, and night wood for Hugo!" Vorelli spots a chance to inherit a fortune and hypnotizes the lovely and wealthy Marianne Horn. Marianne's boyfriend Mark doesn't approve.

Any time Hugo is on screen, this reminded me of The Twilight Zone (in a good way) and was effectively spooky. Whether Hugo's in his cage, "performing," or walking around on his own, he has this ability, like all ventriloquist wooden men probably, to make you a bit uneasy. The problem is that The Twilight Zone is about twenty minutes long while this thing was movie-sized, stretching the plot mighty thin. Bryant Haliday--an actor with only six, mostly B-pictures on his resume (How did I miss The Projected Man during my infamous "man" streak?)--does everything he can with a pretty lousy script and is really pretty good. He's at least good enough to have a career longer than six movies. I liked the scenes with Vorelli on stage, mostly because they seemed nowhere near natural. It seems like a lot of the extras should have walked out during the weird hypnosis stuff--making people think they're being executed or getting women to dance. If not, the stuff with the dummy would have cleared the house. A walking ventriloquist dummy, although a novelty, wouldn't necessarily be entertaining, would it? And the interaction between Hugo and Vorelli was so intense, the latter barking these orders with an odd threatening edge in his voice. This movie really isn't very good, mostly because of a weak story and poor writing, and it's not bad enough to be funny. In fact, it's the type of movie you'd forget about completely if not for the image of Hugo walking around on his own with that goofy smile on his face. It's not the worst way to spend eighty minutes though. Here's Hugo:

Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind

1978 film that just ain't right

Rating: 20/20 (Yes, there's a new Coffin Joe Rule. If you don't like it, take it up with him and more than likely have your face eaten off.)

Plot: A psychologist is troubled by nightmares in which the movie character Coffin Joe fondles his wife. His colleagues try to convince him that Coffin Joe is only a character and even call Jose Mojica Marins to speak with him. Then, on the back of a fish truck that unloads, his conscience explodes.

"Flesh will be blood, blood will become water to bathe my eternal legacy and glorify the pleasure of pain in the bodies of the damned. So shall it be from one galaxy to another from one existence to another. The little forever midget and the great eternal giant."

If God called the Audience of One guy to make the science fiction Joseph movie, I think Satan was probably responsible for this one. Or a buttload of hallucinogenics. This starts with a drumming, spinning hunchback, an image that in a normal movie would probably be the weirdest one. But this is a Jose Mojica Marins movie, not a normal movie, and the hunchback is just a precursor to about eighty minutes that can only be categorized as an unhinged barrage of nightmarish visuals, mostly censored scenes from his other movies that he's recycled. Bugs crawling on people, wind-up toy snakes, really really bad naked dancing, devil figurines, a bridge made out of people, a mustachioed spider puppet, waving feet, snakes and the women who laugh at them, Coffin Joe shooting fuckin' lasers out his fingers like Emperor Palpatine, shots of colorful test tubes and beakers with frothy foaming liquids, walls made of tarp and naked women, laughing and then exploding black guys in Speedos, those curling fingernails, that ominous unibrow, Erik Estrada, people in animal masks, a magically appearing top hat with pyrotechnics, naked guys tumbling down staircases, Satan poking the half-buried with a pitchfork, fire-breathing topless women, nude posteriors with goofy faces painted on them, finger-eating pasty guys, a lot of shots of half-buried people, what appears to be a cannibalism game show with an upside-down guy and a smiling man in a tuxedo beside him, demons with claw hammers, laughing skulls, random shots of frogs, white mice danging in front of bare breasts, severed hands, gelatinous head walls, tongue yankin', and that guy with two different-sized ears I've seen in Marins' other movies. And yes, that's all as badass as it sounds. Low-budget insanity art, toxic and mystifying. I've seen my share of weird movies, and I can tell you with confidence that there's not much out there that is this relentlessly weird. And I know what you're wondering, so I'll go ahead and answer the question for you--No, you can't handle this movie. Sadly, you would probably have trouble finding it anyway.

Taoism Drunkard

1984 kung-fu insanity

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Umm. Well, the titular drunkard breaks a statue, and to make up for it, he has to find the cherry boys and the Virgin Chicken. Meanwhile, a kung-fu demon is trying to steal some holy writing, but he's having a difficult time getting past a grandmother and a watermelon monster. That's right. A freakin' watermelon monster. Confession: I have almost no idea what was going on during most of this movie.

This is how I like my kung-fu--nice and insane. Within ten minutes, you get the following: some spacey sound effects, knee knives, some flying, a guy who has no palm lines, a flashback that sort of explains why he has no palm lines, tongue removal, a porcupine man, these cool physics-defying metal balls that a guy uses as weapons, and a drunken guy driving a car shaped like a mouse. Don't think that Taoism Drunkard shoots its wad too early though. You don't have to wait too long before the real star of the show makes his appearance. The Watermelon Monster:

This is the thing that guards the writing that the devil guy is trying to steal. It hops and flies around, snapping its teeth (it seems to go straight for the groin) and nipple-tweaking with these tentacle things. It's the greatest thing ever, and I realize I've written that exact same thing about eighty different things on this blog, but this time I mean it. And the zaniness doesn't let up after this first appearance of this spherical fighting machine. No, you get a kung-fu fighter who can retract his head and arms into him like a turtle, articles of clothing used as weapons, attack tables, the biggest sword I think I've ever seen, a poison that ages the victim, urine drinking, an homage to the Marx Brothers' mirror gag, a giant stone foot that pops out of the wall and kicks people, and in my personal favorite scene, a kung-fu master who incorporates the robot and the moonwalk into his fighting repertoire. There's also a song with the raunchy lyrics "Though the sugarcane is small, it is hard as iron" that they sing to the tune of "It's a Small World." Whew. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's very funny and quickly paced, and the fight scenes are creative. This is the type of kung-fu movie that you have to pause every once in a while just to catch your breath. Something strange though--the version I watched was subtitled instead of being dubbed. Major bummer, and it probably didn't help me understand the plot any, but there were some (I'm guessing) poorly translated subtitles that were funny.

"So me ate what he grew."

"I am using abdominal language to joke with you."

And some dirty talk during a sex scene: "How is it? Is it comfortable and interesting?" If I ever have sex again, I'm going to say that.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

2001 religious kung-fu musical horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: I haven't read it, but I think this might be based on John's the Book of Revelation.

Yes, that's Santo on the cover, side-by-side with Jesus and ready to fight lesbian vampires. And in the middle is Mary Magnum in that tight little red leather number. Fetching. Making Jesus an action hero is dangerous business, especially since a lot of religious folk don't have much of a sense of humor. But I'm not sure Christians would be too appalled with the character Himself since I don't think He does anything Jesus wouldn't have done like Scorsese had Him doing in The Last Temptation of Christ. Unless bad puns are offensive. In fact, even though the title hero is your typical overblown action hero, he is the hero. He fights evil, and he quotes scripture. What's likely more blasphemous is the use of Santo. El Santo in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter can't wrestle and is portly. When watching this movie, your first thought (other than "This is blasphemous!") would probably be, "I think this might have been made on the cheap." And you'd be right. Your third thought would probably be, "This was made in 2001? No way! It's got to be from the 70s!" But there's a charm to the proceedings, and the script, littered with (intentionally?) bad punnage and silly action hero banter, is funny enough. I found myself laughing more than I really wanted to. For whatever reason, hearing Jesus deliver the line "I'll need to buy some wood. . .for stakes!" was hilarious. I also thought the spinning crucifix used as a Batman-esque transition between scenes was clever. I also liked a scene where about three hundred baddies get out of an SUV. Not all the comedy worked though, evidenced by a scene where Jesus has a conversation with a bowl of cherries. The bowl of cherries actually tells him to find El Santo. I can't decide if seeing Jesus and a priest hanging out at a Hooters-type restaurant is funny or not. There's a lot of kung-fu in this movie, and it won't exactly make you think of Bruce Lee. The fight scenes often seemed endless, and if the guy who played Jesus (Phil Caracas [Wait a second! Isn't the guy who plays Jesus in the Mel Gibson movie named Caracas?]) had any martial arts training, they wasted their obviously limited funds on it. There is a scene where a character uses intestines as a weapon though. I should have started making a list of those movies a long time ago. This is also a musical, and although the songs were only slightly more tolerable than Repo: The Genetic Opera's numbers, there at least was some eclecticism. You had punk, techno-robot-lounge, keyboard blipping, 80s feel-good movie rock, Mexicali funk, cheesy lounge, neo-funk with vocoder, dance music, retarded jazz, and my personal favorite--a really creepy song where somebody whispered the books of the New Testament with cymbal accompaniment. The performers were likely friends of the director, some of them, I think, appearing as more than one character, but three of them were real stand-outs. Josh Grace was deliriously over-the-top as Dr. Praetorious. I checked his resume, and he's been in a few of JCVH director's Lee Demarbre's movies including one where Demarbre includes another Mexican movie legend--The Aztec Mummy. I can't find the name of a screaming woman, but it was one of the best screams I've heard in a long time. But the very best part of the movie is the introduction and musical performance of Blind Jimmy Leper played by an actor named "Lucky Ron" who had about as many teeth as Shane McGowen. He does this scatting number which could probably prove the existence of God to even the most diehard of atheists. Jesus jumped on the stage and did his own scatting, but he couldn't beat the work of Blind Jimmy Leper. And when you're Lucky Ron and can prove in your lone movie that you can out-scat Christ Himself, you don't have to do anything else as a performer to win a lifetime achievement award on shane-movies.

Note: I've heard that there's an Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter movie being made. Joaquin Phoenix is attached to that project. I guess his career is doing just fine!

Night of the Demon

1957 horror movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: American psychologist John Holden travels to London for a conference on the paranormal. Plans to work with Professor Harrington are changed when the professor manages to electrocute himself while trying to flee from a giant funky-looking demon. Skeptical of all things in the realm of the paranormal, Holden doesn't listen to the warnings of Harrington's neice or believe the strange things that occur following his arrival in England are anything more than coincidences. Unfortunately for him, he's been cursed by cult leader and part-time clown Julian Karswell, a guy who tells him he's scheduled to die in just a couple days.

I know, I know. The movie's called Night of the Demon or, in America at least, Curse of the Demon. It's got a B-movie plot about devil worshippers and curses. It starts with B-movie-style narration, a guy rambling about this-and-that over shots of what could be stock footage of Stonehenge. And it's got a demon monster thing that looks exactly like it does on the poster up there. Yeah, on the surface, it smells an awful lot like a B-horror flick, cheap Satanploitation from the 50s. Instead, it's a tense, quickly-paced little thriller with atmosphere galore and some genuinely spooky moments. Plenty to dig here--demon-aided wind storms, cult leader parlor magic tricks, anthropomorphous slips of paper, killer smoke, a hand on a banister, a killer demon-possessed kitty. Speaking of the latter, and giving this even more of a B-movie flavor, there is a fantastic scene where the main character wrestles with a stuffed animal. I love those. This movie shoots its wad early, against Out of the Past director Jacques Tourneur's wishes apparently, by showing the demon in the first five minutes of the movie. And it looks decently menacing from a distance, stumbling through the trees like a clumsy Japanese monster. An unfortunate close-up makes me wonder if it's a borrowed head from a Roger Corman horror movie. The demon pops up again later in a nearly identical way. There are a few nice shots with parts of the demon though. But this movie is much more effective, and easily more suspenseful and mysterious, during the middle bulk of the movie when the demon is nowhere to be seen. Something about the dialogue, and I'm not sure if it's in the writing or the characters' rapport which at times seemed rushed, was a little off. But despite any flaws this movie might have, this little horror movie's got a lot of character and demonic charm, and Tourneur's great directing eye for visual storytelling and mood making keeps it interesting from start to finish.

By the way, I gave this a full bonus point for the performance of Reginald Beckwith as Mr. Meek, a medium. He's on the screen for only a short time but it's a magical short time. I wanted a Mr. Meek spin-off movie! Beckwith walks into the scene a normal guy, becomes completely unhinged, starts doing all these weird voices, and then finishes and leaves the movie. If this was the only job Reginald Beckwith ever had, he still would have deserved a lifetime achievement award for this scene. And don't tell me those weird voices were just some really well-done dubbing job because it will crush my spirit.

The Devil and Daniel Webster

1941 movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Good-natured New Hampshire farmer Jabez Stone trades his soul to Mr. Scratch for seven years of prosperity. Good fortunes change him, making him an avaricious womanizing bastard. When his seven years are up and Jabez is on top of the world, Mr. Scratch comes to collect. Only politician and orator Daniel Webster can save the day!

Seems like I've seen a lot of devil movies this year. This could probably be the Year of Satan if it wasn't already the Year of "Man" Movies and the Year That Shane, Sans Pants, Watches 365 Movies. That last part was for the ladies. But yeah, this will be a hotly (pun intended) contested "Satan of the Year" award. Walter Huston's is damn good though. His Mr. Scratch isn't your typical devil like the one who attacks Santa Claus in Santa Claus. He's more that ornery trouble-maker who has a decent sense of humor, a guy you wouldn't mind sharing a few drinks with because you just know he's got some good stories to share. The Stephen Vincent Benet short story this is based on has always seemed odd to me (Why Daniel Webster?) but it's a fascinating one that William Dieterle's visuals tell remarkably. My favorite thing about this movie (other than Huston's performance or the shape of Simone Simon's face) might be the lighting. There are so many shots in this that are just so artistically set up. This really is a beautiful film to look at. There are some creepy, almost surreal bits, too, like the scene with the moth, the miser's last dance, and the climactic courtroom scene. This easy-to-connect-with interpretation of the Faust story seems ahead of its time, is entertaining from start to finish, and has a timeless moral.

Until next time, ladies.

Santa Claus

1959 Mexican Santa Claus movie

Rating: 3/20 (Jen: 1/20 [fell asleep]; Emma: 2/20 [fell asleep]; Abbey: 10/20)

Plot: Pretty much your standard Christmas story. It's Christmas Eve and Santa Claus is somewhere in space or heaven overseeing his sweatshop while children from many different cultures help him prepare for his magical flight. Of course, Satan wants to stop him and sends demon Pitch to tempt kids to be naughty and kill Santa. And of course, Santa has to get help from Merlin the magician to survive the night and ensure that the nice children wake up with a living room full of presents. Even the poor little girl who just wants a freakin' doll!

You have to love a Christmas movie that has the ability to punish viewers who fall asleep while watching it with hellish nightmares of holiday demons and laughing reindeer robots. This is bizarre from the get-go. It starts with a seemingly endless scene with Santa playing an organ while showcasing the variety of countries that the jolly old elf has apparently kidnapped children from to work in his sweatshop. For a moment, I thought I was watching a live-action film based on Disney's "It's a Small World," something I'm sure is on the horizon. Each group of children got to sing a little song that sounded like it could have come from the country they represent, and my favorite was when the American children did "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Seriously? That's the song that best represents America? It's not even a Christmas song! The next scene takes the viewer naturally to hell where the "King of Hades" lights a firecracker and leads a poorly-choreographed dance. Then it's back to Santa where we get a chance to see just how he knows if you've been sleeping or if you've been awake or if you've been bad or good. Apparently, he's got a big machine with giant lips, a telescope with an eyeball, and a satellite thing with a human ear attached. The surreal props and goofy sets show some creativity, but it also makes it obvious that the people who made this thing only had a rudimentary understanding of Santa Claus. I mean, there aren't even elves and his four reindeer are clunky robots. Speaking of those robots, at one point one of them laughs (he he he ha he ha ha ha ho he) and it might be the scariest thing I've heard in my entire life. Santa's almost nonstop maniacal laughter (nonstop except when the devil is trying to murder him) isn't much better though. There's just so much about this movie that is so awkward, and a lot about this movie that is downright unsettling. A pair of dream sequences--one with giant dancing dolls and one with a kid who opens up coffin-like presents containing his parents--are just weird, and almost every scene with Pitch gave me the chills. Of course, Pitch was a poorly-costumed red-painted demon, so I guess that was the desired effect. One of the scariest moments was when the little poor girl was having a repetitive conversation with the devil about stealing a doll. She must have said "No, I don't want to do evil" five or six times. The good characters, absent-minded Merlin and a magic-key-making blacksmith, are fun. Merlin's got this weird bouncing gait that makes Torgo's walk look normal, and the blacksmith has some hair glued to his chest to, I guess, make him look more blacksmithy. Nobody's going to mistake this for a Miracle on 34th Street or an It's a Wonderful Life, but this just might be my new favorite Christmas movie. Like those movies, you get to learn beautiful lessons like how "a dream is a wish that the heart makes" or how people on earth eat "even smoke and alcohol." Fun for the whole family unless some of your family members would rather not have Satan anywhere near their Christmas entertainment.

Capitalism: A Love Story

2009 left-wing propaganda

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: Some tubby guy whines about how capitalism only works for people willing to take advantage of the system in evil ways at the expense of the people it won't work for.

I wept seven different times last week for a variety of reasons, and one of those times was during this movie.
Michael Moore manipulates, delivering his messages in cutesy ways and more often than not coming across like a snarky panda. That's what he is actually. He's Propaganda Panda, unprofessional even because he wears that baseball cap. But here, he's nothing but right, and this documentary is an often surprisingly moving experience. Capitalism has the devastation, hope, and humor present in Moore's best work. And there sure is a lot of information packed into this, enough that I could see somebody arguing that it's all unfocused and sloppy. But with the exception of some interviews with priests and some silly shots of cats flushing toilets, all of these parts are important in building the whole, and that whole is something that every American should probably see. And not just the filthy liberals who voted that socialist we've currently got in the White House either as Moore has made a movie for the demos in our democracy. Even if viewers aren't moved to do anything, they're getting a good story. There's good vs. evil and tons of plot twists. There's even a hint of a terrifying unhappy ending at the beginning of Moore's film when he juxtaposes shots from modern times with what looks to be a film strip about the fall of Rome. Solid stuff. Thanks, Propaganda Panda!

I tried to get Jen to write a guest review, and she refused. She did criticize Moore for wasting film time with gimmicks. She wanted more substance and less Propaganda Panda, I guess.

Incubus

1965 William Shatner movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Kia's one of the cute demons who helps lure souls to the devil after they make a pilgrimage to a magical well in a tired village. But like many succubi, she just doesn't feel challenged. She decides, despite warnings, to go after William Shatner, a soldier just returned from battle. See, he's got a pure soul and will therefore be more of a prize for Satan. She underestimates The Shat's sexual appeal though and starts to fall for him.

So I couldn't figure out what language the makers of Incubus had William Shatner speaking in this, so I had to do a little research. Well, as much research as I'm willing to do for this sort of thing. Apparently, it's in Esperanto with the actors learning their lines phonetically. Speakers of Esperanto were apparently insulted at how poorly the pronunciation was butchered. This was directed by the guy who did The Outer Limits (Leslie Stevens) and really has a strange feel to it. The black and white cinematography is excellent; a whole lot is being done with very little here, and there's some really cool camera work. At times, it's got the look of a low budget horror film as Ingmar Bergman would have done it. The dialogue's dopey (or maybe it's the translations) and there's really not much going on with the story, but I enjoyed the kinky demonic silliness and the overall vibe a lot. I'm not sure there's enough scary here to make this a horror film. It's got more in common with a fable or an allegory, but it's got enough creepiness to have an impact. I imagine this might be hard to find since I had a ton of trouble finding a picture of the poster to steal for this entry. But it's worth the work for William Shatner fans.

At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul

1963 Brazilian horror film (the first)

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Coffin Joe is an evil undertaker. You can tell because he's got an evil-looking top hat and a cape, and the severed hand motif in his home decor is pretty creepy. And he eats meat when he's not supposed to! Blazenly! Anywho, Coffin Joe really wants a son. His wife is unfortunately barren, so he does what any reasonable evil undertaker would do. He kills her sadistically, then kills his best friend, and finally rapes his best friend's wife. But will his evil extracurricular activities catch up with him on the Day of the Dead? Du-du-dummm!

Marins has got a real presence, like a Brazilian Vincent Price. Now maybe that's just because everybody else in this movie looks like a farmboy, and Coffin Joe is wandering around with that cape and top hat thing, but I really like this absolutely Satanic character, and I think Marins shows some acting chops. This is a cheap movie. It starts like an Ed Wood movie with two introductions (Coffin Joe himself and a gypsy woman who paces her pad with this gigantic skull) reminiscent of Wood's The Amazing Criswell. The gypsy woman gives the audience a warning like you'd get in a William Castle horror film, and it displays the showman side of Marins, more circus barker than director. Marins is the type of director who does a lot with very little (check out the owl special effect or the especially creepy parade of souls), including what seems to be sound effects ripped off from a Disney "Sounds of Horror" record I had when I was a little kid. The violence is gruesome, especially for a grainy black and white movie, and also kind of goofy. The spider scene? Not for the arachnophobic. The bathtub scene? That doesn't even make sense. The abrupt end to a poker game? Well, ok. But you know, it all adds up to something to a well-paced, atmospheric, and at times genuinely creepy horror movie. Somehow, you get this feeling that something really evil is behind the making of this movie, and that gives it an edge.

More Jose Mojica Marin on the murky horizon.

The Blood on Satan's Claw

1971 horror movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: It's the 1600s, and since there's not much to do in an English farming community, the teenagers all decide to become devil worshippers, a hobby which apparently involves raping and murdering each other. And we contemporary parents think Eminem is a bad influence on our kids!

There's a great deal to like about The Blood on Satan's Claw. Really, with a title like that, you'd better have a fairly good movie. This has an atmosphere or mood similar to The Wicker Man, and director Piers Haggard does a fine job creating atmosphere and mood with effectively unusual camera work and a really odd soundtrack. This feels different from most movies; there's a fuzz on the surface of this that never allowed me to feel comfortable with the setting or the characters. Speaking of fuzz, I also learned from this movie that Satan has fuzzy legs. This is imperfect storytelling. The plot either seems choppy or incomplete, and there were too many pieces missing for this story to flow. There's a really interesting character in this one, an evil girl with the wonderful name Angel Bleak. Or, if you don't trust my ears and go with what the Internet says, the not-as-wonderful name Angel Blake. She's played by the lovely Linda Hayden and manages to combine innocence and evil to create what would be a classic horror character if more people were willing to see a movie called The Blood on Satan's Claw. Plus, she disrobes! There are lulls and parts where this has difficulty making a connection, but it's just interesting enough to spend an hour and a half with.