Superman: The Movie

1978 superhero movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Superman's mom and dad (Ja Rule and Beyonce) send him in a space craft made from shards of glass just before the destruction of their planet Krypton, also made from shards of glass. He is adopted by a couple hicks, and when one of them dies, he abandons the other and goes to live and work in the big city as Clark Kent, guy with glasses. He gets a job as a newspaper reporter, befriends a whore and a gay photographer, and brings tights right back into fashion. Meanwhile, Lex Luther, internationally infamous wig thief, has plans to do villainous things. Will Superman be able to stop the plan in time? Will it matter since he (SPOILER ALERT!) apparently has the ability to reverse the spinning of the earth and, despite what any sober physicist would say about the possibilities, reverse time?

And that's the biggest problem with this movie. I know where the phrase "jump the shark" came from and what it means. I want to know why the phrase wasn't "spin the globe" or something like that? The first 95% of this movie really isn't that great. I loved it as a kid, and the nostalgic side of me likes watching all of these scenes that I would play out in my backyard. But it's not a great movie. That last 5% though? Whoa. It's almost as if Lex Luther got a hold of the script and, as part of a dastardly scheme, burned the last few pages and added this stupid ending instead. Dastardly! No wonder none of the sequels work. If Superman can just reverse time when things aren't going his way, what's really the point of anything else that happens? It reminds me of that time I was playing rock-paper-scissors with that bald kid who lived down the street. Every time I'd win (my rock against his scissors), he'd pull a machete out, chop off my hand, and say, "Rocks don't count if they're on the ground." After he did that twice, I didn't even want to play with him anymore. I'd probably rather have my hand chopped off than have to watch the scene in this movie where Superman and pink-pantied Lois Lane are flying around a very phallic Statue of Liberty (apparently, they've got one of those in Metropolis) while she reads bad poetry. Other issues/questions with this movie:

1) The special effects are really good except for a scene when young Superman is racing a train and he looks like he's made out of rubber. That's one of the many scenes that could have been cut from this movie.

2) How can Lois Lane be stretched out like that with outstretched arms right next to Superman while they're flying? Why so stiff? (That's what she said.) This is right before he drops her. That, by the way, makes it all seem like a candidate for the worst first date ever.

3) Why does Marlon Brando have an "S" on his chest? His name's Ja Rule. Shouldn't he have a "J" on his chest? Kairow, what am I missing here?

4) Why did they have to use Reeve's voice (dubbed) for the teenage Superman? That's not a teenager's voice! No wonder his classmates were creeped out by him. That voice and those rubber legs?

5) Maybe I'm just stupid, but I don't have any idea what's happening on Krypton. If there was never a sequel to this (maybe there shouldn't have been), all that stuff with the three leather-clad bad guys who wind up spinning through space in a triangular mirror wouldn't make any sense at all. And speaking of them, Marlon Brando mentions something about Irsa's perversion. Am I the only warm-blooded male watching this thing that thinks a prequel about Irsa's perversions would be a much better movie than any Superman movie they could make? You reading this, Hollywood? We're all waiting for Irsa's Perversions. You can even work in a CGI Yoda if you want.

6) Can Superman read minds? And if so, did he drop Lois Lane intentionally because he could hear her bad poetry?

7) Superman's disguise includes glasses and the parting of his hair on the opposite side. Come on. That's just ridiculous. He doesn't even disguise his voice like Christian Bale's Batman.

8) Full-frontal nudity? Is this the only super-phallus we get to see? And granted, he's just a boy, but we're talking about Superman's junk here. If this was George Lucas's movie, he would have already re-released this with an obscenely large CGI Superman penis by now. And probably thrown in a Yoda!

9) What's with those hula hoops on Krypton? I could watch those things for hours.

10) This movie is too long. So is this blog entry probably.

There are plenty of redeeming qualities though. The music is great, including the main theme played over the incredibly dynamic opening credits. I also like the cute little song that plays whenever Otis is up to something. I like Ned Beatty as Otis, and I think Gene Hackman is great as Lex. In fact, I can't imagine anybody else playing that part. Same with Christopher Reeve in the title role he seemed born to play. I like some of the humor, and there's a really big chunk of this movie (from the moment when Lois Lane's helicopter starts spiralling out of control until where things get really stupid at the end) that is pretty great. I also really dig the scene where Superman makes his ice castle. This is a movie I'll always secretly love despite its numerous flaws. I don't imitate it nearly as often now that I'm in my 30s although I can't think of a single situation in my life that the wearing of a big red cape wouldn't enrich.