Step Brothers

2008 "comedy"

Rating: 6/20 (Anonymous: 4/20; Pump or Astro-Pretzel: 3/20)

Plot: A couple unemployed middle-aged good-for-absolutely-nothing jackasses become the titular step-brothers after their parents hook up at a convention and later marry. Initially, they can't stand each other, but once they realize they have a lot in common, like their shared affinity for night vision goggles, they become friends. But their shared interests and attempts to start their own company threaten to tear the happy newlyweds apart.

I wanted to watch In the Line of Fire, but my step brother wanted to watch this instead. We fought over that for a while--rolling around on the floor, poking eyes, farting on each other, giving wedgies, kicking nutsacks, etc.--before realizing that we had a love of Mary Steenburgen in common. Then, we high-fived each other awkwardly, and he broke his finger. And that story, ladies and gentlemen, is just as clever as the one in the movie Step Brothers. Attempting to recapture the magic of Talladega Nights, a movie I've been told is a classic, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly stupid it up in this one that reminds me simultaneously of a whole bunch of predictable 80's crap and every single other Will Ferrell movie I've ever seen. There's not a single laugh to be had in this thing. It fits right in with that disturbing trend in modern comedies where lazy writers assume that creating really uncomfortable situations for characters who could never actually exist is automatically going to be funny. Awkward is not a synonym for hilarious. I should know because I looked it up, and I'm an English teacher.

It took me a while to remember it, but I made a promise around Christmas that I would not have another Will Ferrell movie on this blog. See? I'm really sorry that my own step brother made me break that promise. Maybe I'll fart on him later.

Dancing Outlaw

1991 documentary

Rating: 6/20 (Mark: 4/20; Amy: ?/20)

Plot: Documentary about Appalachian mountain dancing fiend Jesco White.

My brother promised me a "documentary surprise" and then popped this in the VCR. Dancing Outlaw is normally the sort of thing I'd get a kick out of, but I couldn't understand a single word any of these people said. After the initial "What the hell?" reaction during a scene where Jesco is doing his mountain tap-dancing thing against a backdrop of filthy nature in the proximity of what must be the white trash capital of the world, there's really very little to see here and even less to enjoy. The biggest problem is that this could have been advertised as the type of film that finds something beautiful in our ugly world, Jesco being a kind of diamond in the rough. Instead, Jesco isn't a very likable or talented guy, and he really contributes to the ugliness as he yells incoherently at his wife or pisses on the legacy left behind by his more-talented father. This is documentary trash. Thanks, Mark!

The Incredible Melting Man

1977 50's B-movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Astronaut Steve West is the only member of his crew to survive a mission to Saturn. Apparently, the sun's rays passing through the rings of Saturn is hazardous to astronauts. Steve wakes up covered in bandages in a hospital, and when he removes them, he discovers that he's melting, like a mound of M&M's or a giant raisin in the sun. Upset that he now could easily win first prize in a fecal matter costume contest, he's filled with rage and a hunger for human flesh. A gelatinous hulk, he chases nurses, decapitates a fisherman, and snacks on the elderly. Somebody needs to stop him; unfortunately, he gets stronger as he melts! Oh, snap!

Rich Baker's special effects succeed in making the titular man into an incredible goopy and disgusting mass of sewage. He's gross, and unlike a lot of very similar movies, you get to see lots of him from beginning to end. And parts of him. I like when his friend, during a search for him, stumbles across what looks to be some foliage that somebody vomited on and says, "Oh, my God. It's Steve's ear." There's not a lot of scary here; there's hardly a story actually. It's fun enough though. I mean, it's almost impossible not to love a scene where a fisherman's head floats down a stream indefinitely. Or a scene with a nurse catching a glimpse of the melting man, screaming, and running indefinitely down a gigantic hallway in slow motion before crashing through a glass door even though there was nothing to suggest the melting man was even pursuing her. But he climbs through the same door seconds later anyway. Or how about the classic line--"He more he melts the stronger he gets!" What? I'm not a scientist or anything, but I'm fairly positive that makes no sense. The soundtrack was interesting enough, ranging from noises that sound like a three year old dicking around with a synthesizer to something that sounds like futuristic hoe-down music. For whatever reason, it makes me happy that this movie was released in 1977. Like swimming, you shouldn't watch this movie after eating. Or before eating. Or while eating.

Jonathan Demme is in this movie.

Tentacles

1977 Jaws rip-off

Rating: 6/20 (Dylan: 20/20)

Plot: Henry Fonda is digging a tunnel or something, and somehow awakens a giant octopus which begins terrorizing a nondescript beach community. It grabs babies and devours fisherman and ruins child yacht races. Somebody's got to stop it, and Richard Dreyfuss is nowhere to be found!

Dylan was convinced that this was a comedy and said it's the funniest one he's ever seen. He doesn't know what he's talking about though. Remember, he's the same guy who gave Dr. Strangelove a 6/20. I'm amazed at this piece of garbage's cast. John Huston plays his cliched character stoically. The sultry and seductive Shelly Winters really hams it up (no, Cory, she doesn't die in this one). And poor Henry Fonda just looks completely lost. There are far too many characters in this, and there's far too much incoherent dialogue. I really would have liked to see more tentacles, especially since that's the title of the movie, but maybe that's just my love of Japanese tentacle porn coming out. Almost frustratingly (not quite, but almost), there are some moments in this movie that are almost (almost!) good. There's some nifty stylistic touches when the monster's first making his moves during the exposition. It's style that feels plundered, but it's still a little style. The scene with the baby and the others are startling, more startling since we don't get to see the culprit right away. But it doesn't take too long to realize that we're dealing with complete ineptitude here. The underwater scenes are nicely done, but a lot of the shots of boats look like they're being filmed by a drowning man. And there are lots of close-ups of the backs of people's heads, the sides of boats, and (most alarmingly) crotches. There was a shot of a belt buckle that actually convinced me I was supposed to have 3D glasses on. I thought that belt buckle was going to wind up in my living room! The most embarrassing scene in the movie involves a hefty Italian guy (the underwater shots of his body are the most horrifying parts of this movie) enjoying a swim. The director plays the fake attack card (you know, the here's-some-scary-music-and-a-shot-from-the-perspective-of-an-attacker-because-oh-no-he's-about-to-be-attacked-but-no-it's-just-his-friend-playing-a-joke-ha-ha trick) very awkwardly. Twice! Withing two minutes! Also embarrassing is the soundtrack. Inspired by Jaws, the filmmakers knew they'd have to have a sort of memorable theme for the octopus, Tentacles' dum-duh, dum-duh. But the five-note motif used here, something that sounds like a cat falling on a piano, is just dumb. Things get beyond ridiculous when Bo Hopkins delivers a seemingly endless monologue while straddling a killer whale tank. It's nothing less than a magical movie moment, but it's only a prelude to a climactic battle scene (SPOILER ALERT!) between a pair of killer whales and the giant octopus. Yeah, that's exactly as badass as it sounds.

The Amazing Transparent Man

1960 invisible man movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A crazy ex-military guy helps Joey Faust, a career criminal, bust out of prison. With the help of a scientistnapped Dr. Ulof, he invents a way to use radiation to turn men transparent. Or, as most people would call it, invisible. Faust is sent out to steal more uranium so that an army of invisible men can be created. But Faust has other plans!

Faust is played by Douglas Kennedy who was in the incredible The Alligator People. He also played a cop in Invaders from Mars. Here, he is like a low-budget Bogart. His over-the-top gangsta performance entertains. The plot's dopey, and the special effects, or more accurately the complete lack of effects, make things dopier. Well, let me take that back. There are effects. A bag of money suspends in mid-air at one point. That, I suppose, puts the amazing in the film's title. The funniest parts of this movie occur whenever the invisible (excuse me. . .transparent) guy engaged in invisible fisticuffs, another nifty special-ed effect involving the visible participant sort of flailing around awkwardly. This is very clearly one of those movies that was outlined in forty-five minutes and written and shot (simultaneously) in about four days, but it's just "good bad" enough to be worth the the effort.