Sherlock Holmes

2010 Sherlock Holmes movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: The famous titular detective and his trusty sidekick Dr. Watson embark on an adventure to solve the mystery behind a giant octopus and a Tyrannosaurus Rex that are attacking London. Unfortunately, it's not nearly as fun to watch as it sounds!

The Asylum is a film production company that attempts to capitalize on current blockbusters by filming their own direct-to-dvd low-budget versions. They've got a DaVinci mystery movie, a King Kong movie, a film unbelievably called Snakes on a Train, their version of Transformers which they call Transmorphers (with its own sequel), and even a movie based on High School Musical called Sunday School Musical. This has Sherlock Holmes fighting against robots and dinosaurs which is exactly what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle created the character to do. Don't let the excitement of the imagery on the poster fool you though. This movie is flat-out dull. None of the actors are right for their parts with the exception of the villain played by Dominic Keating who's like a much-cheaper Gary Oldman. The special effects are so bad that they distract. They're not even bad in a way that lets you laugh at them. And when Sherlock Holmes said, "The game is afoot," I wanted to punch out everybody associated with the movie. They could have saved a lot of time by just digging up Doyle's corpse and taking turns urinating on it while wearing deerstalker hats. It would have saved a lot of cash, too. Well, maybe not a lot of cash. Speaking of cash, I didn't have to spend any money to see this movie, yet I still feel ripped off. That's the kind of movie this is. That probably won't stop me from seeing The Day the Earth Stopped though. And Paranormal Entity! Or The Terminators!

Blacula

1972 blaxploitative horror movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: In the 1500s, blac guy heads to a castle in Transylvania to protest slavery. The owner of the castle happens to be a vampire and kills his girlfriend before biting him and dubbing him Blacula. Years later, some homosexuals buy his casket and, apparently without checking to see if it has a body in it, transports it to Los Angeles. Blacula pops out and starts vampiring it up, enjoying the city's night life and chasing after a groovy gal who sort of looks like his lost love. But with an afro. Play that funky music, vampire!

Dracula Negro might be a better title. Blacula made me think I was about to watch something really stupid, really low budget, and poorly written and acted. Actually, Blacula is a fairly clever twist on the Dracula story. Some of the acting is what you'd expect from a funky 70's flick like this, but fellow Hoosier William Marshall, the guy who plays the titular vampire, delivers a very un-campy performance with some surprising emotional ummph. He's like a black Christopher Lee. I was right about the budget and writing though. It's bad puns galore and make-up that appears to have been made out of cake frosting. The vampires kind of look like undead desserts. Of course this isn't terrific cinema, but it's also not nearly bad enough to be all that entertaining unfortunately. The plot drags, and the whole thing's filmed lifelessly. I have no desire to see the sequel, and I'm pretty sure that makes me a racist.

Dancing Outlaw

1991 documentary

Rating: 6/20 (Mark: 4/20; Amy: ?/20)

Plot: Documentary about Appalachian mountain dancing fiend Jesco White.

My brother promised me a "documentary surprise" and then popped this in the VCR. Dancing Outlaw is normally the sort of thing I'd get a kick out of, but I couldn't understand a single word any of these people said. After the initial "What the hell?" reaction during a scene where Jesco is doing his mountain tap-dancing thing against a backdrop of filthy nature in the proximity of what must be the white trash capital of the world, there's really very little to see here and even less to enjoy. The biggest problem is that this could have been advertised as the type of film that finds something beautiful in our ugly world, Jesco being a kind of diamond in the rough. Instead, Jesco isn't a very likable or talented guy, and he really contributes to the ugliness as he yells incoherently at his wife or pisses on the legacy left behind by his more-talented father. This is documentary trash. Thanks, Mark!

Trouble Man

1972 blaxploitation flick

Rating: 11/20

Plot: There's trouble for Mr. T when he's hired by Chalky and Pete to stop the masked men who keep showing up with guns and robbing the participants of their craps game. There's a lot more than meets the eye for this suave, ultra-cool private detective as he finds himself in the middle of a gang war. Oh, snap!

This is a much better movie than the Dolemite movies and probably Cleopatra Jones. Mr. T, this one sans mohawk and extraneous jewelry and "I pity the fool" catch-phrase, isn't nearly as much fun though. T's as smart as he is cool, and although the plot was convoluted and gummy, I enjoyed the ride when the character was strutting around trying to put pieces together with the help of his gigantic polyester ties. However, other than the titular detective, you don't get a single other engaging character, and no real bad guys to latch onto. The majority of this is low-grade shoot-'em-up stuff, and Trouble Man's just too straight to make it worth the trouble.