Bicentennial Man

1999 garbage

Rating: 4/20

Plot: A boring family purchases an android and they quickly realize that he's not an ordinary robot. He seems to have more emotion than your average android, and he has a creative side. Then he wants to be a human. Blah blah blah.

The makers of this need to confess that they stole the idea from 1980's television show, Small Wonder. Unfortunately for anybody seeing this movie, this lacks the charm and wit and coherency of that sitcom. And when your movie isn't as good as Small Wonder, you've got a big problem. The offenses in this movie are reminiscent of everything that's wrong with E.T. and A.I, two of the most offensive movies ever made. Manipulative, ultra-corny, and stupidly written, Bicentennial Man has almost nothing at all going for it. It doesn't work as comedy, but in its defense, I'm not sure it's even supposed to be a comedy. It doesn't work as science fiction or drama because it doesn't make sense consistently. I couldn't believe how bad this movie was during the first twenty minutes, but it continued to shock and reshock me by gradually getting worse. By the time a second robot is added to the storyline, I was almost ready to go to the store, purchase a new television, and then throw the new television through the television I was watching just because it seemed like the right thing to do. I know the oldest daughter wasn't talking about the film her character was in when she said "It's stupid" and "I think it sucks," but I can't think of a more accurate way to describe this garbage. Oh, the biggest stain of all? Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the curly-headed and dimpled annoying child who was in some popular Pepsi commercials around this time. I actually stopped drinking Pepsi products because of her, and now here she is in Bicentennial Man. God damn it all! Why I didn't gouge my eyeballs out with a spoon and stop watching this during the first twenty Hallie Kate Eisenberg-filled minutes is a mystery to me. And in looking up her name, I've noticed that she's the sister of Jesse Eisenberg. I now hate the entire Eisenberg family. God damn it!

I might be in a bad mood, but if I am, Bicentennial Man is the reason.