The White Ribbon

2009 Face-Palm D'or Winner

Rating: 16(?)/20

Plot: In a German village just prior to The Great War (Wait a second. I don't know history. Is the first World War or the second one called The Great War? Or are either of them called that? Seems like I should know that, but when I was a kid, my teachers started with explorers every single year and never got very far. So I still know why Balboa named the ocean he found the Pacific Ocean [And speaking of that, why should we credit somebody with finding an ocean? Do you think the other explorers used to laugh at Balboa and talk about him behind his back? "Hey, Cow Head (That's what one explorers name meant. Cabeza de Vaca--head of the cow. I learned that thirteen times between my kindergarten and twelfth grade years actually. If that information was actually useful, I might have a life today that I could be proud of. Instead, I'm just a surly middle-aged man who knows useless things. Thanks a lot, former teachers.), when are you going to find another ocean? He he ha."] [Editor's Note: Shane became too depressed to complete this plot synopsis.]

This might be the coldest movie I've ever seen. I guess most people who know Michael Haneke's movies (the hilarious Funny Games and the action-packed Cache) aren't going to use "warmth" when describing them, but this one seemed even more detached, probably because of the crisp but eerie black and white. This was certainly a gorgeous movie, shots that looked like they could be photographs in an art museum, right next to Ansel Adams' stuff maybe. And for (especially) American audiences, that's going to be one of the serious issues with The White Ribbon. At times, the plot moves about as quickly as a photograph. Scenes that didn't really really seem to add to the character development or advance the plot just lingered. Characters seemed frozen in time, moving stiffly, probably with syrup in the britches. This movie is just so quiet, too quiet. And the bad deeds that the characters commit add up to this mood of despair. There's no on-screen violence, but the community and its population is drenched in this very thick molasses of violence, something you just get the feeling they won't be able to swim their way out of. Children are abused, birds are harmed, and it's all too much to take. Like Haneke's other movies, I'm not really intelligent enough to write about this one. I'm probably not even smart enough to watch it. (Editor's note: Shane became too depressed to finish this review.)

Here's a picture of a squirrel: